As I mention in many of my articles, being the parent of a teenager can be like walking a fine line at all times. It is a constant balancing act between wanting to protect your teen from bad decisions and harm and wanting them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of these decisions. Obviously when your children are younger you can control much more of what goes on in their lives. You can better control their environment and they are very open to your making a lot of their decisions for them. This is clearly not the case with teenagers.

In this article, I will review four parenting styles described in the book Love and Logic. The first three are often used by parents of teenagers but are not considered to be the most effective. The last style is considered by many to be the most effective parenting style for parents of teens.

1. Helicopter Parents
If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise. Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children.

These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents. The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

2. Drill Sergeant Parents
If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

3. The Laissez-Faire Parent
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

4. The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before. Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

Which type of parent do you think you are and could you create more situations where you behave in the role of a consultant?

Much of the information for this article was taken from Parenting Teens With Love & Logic (2006) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

Why is it important to raise fearless children? Simply put; fears paralyze, crush self esteem and destroy dreams.

I’ve worked with hundreds of parents over the past few years that have trouble helping their children overcome fear. The reason? They themselves can’t break through the barrier of fear and it’s then passed down from generation to generation.

I’d like to offer hope first, then a challenge.

It is possible to live free from fearful anxiety attacks, constant worry, over exaggerating stories that perpetuate the fearful attacks going off in your mind. People achieve freedom from fear on a daily basis but it takes diligent practice and guided instruction.  You can handle it, but you must tell yourself you can and believe it.  I didn’t say it would be easy, just that it is possible.

Here are a few tips you can use to challenge yourself while encouraging your teenager.

1. Ask how your teenager perceives themselves – Does your teenager feel ugly? Unlovable? Like they don’t measure up? Be transparent with them if that is how you also feel, but understand it is a belief that can be dramatically altered by learning a few powerful concepts and techniques.

2. When the time ‘feels right’, let them know you’d like to help them move away from their pain, not towards it. – Say this in a gentle way. You are not the enemy but when a child feels hurt, they often forget that so the timing and delivery of your message is very important.

3. Ask what you can do to help them when they feel frightened. – No matter who we are, being frightened is something that can happen to the best of us. Let them know you want to help through their feelings of fear but they must get beyond it.  You may need assistance in this yourself so make a commitment to work through it together.  Often your teen will appreciate working toward the same goal, which can often bridge a very wide gap.

4. Hold them – That’s right, give them a hug or put your arm around their shoulder.  Remember that they sometimes want to be held to, no matter how big, how old, how macho, how silly or how angry they might be on the outside. They are still young on the inside just like you are.

5. Ask what they think some of their trigger points are that remind them of the original hurt. – If the pain is not resolved, released or forgiven, the pain is buried and brought up again with a trigger of something said or done. Forgiveness is the only way past this problem.

6. Spend a few minutes of each day just the two of you. – You don’t have to say one word, just be in the same room with them a few minutes of each day. You will be amazed at what they begin to share with you on their own after a few days or weeks of doing this simple thing.

7. Remind them, and yourself, to be patient. – It will take time to bring about the changes you both want to see in your relationship.

It’s about being there, being present, and connecting to the best relationship you could possibly have with your teen.

Do you think about what you say to your child?

Do you understand that what you say to your child can affect him for the whole of his life?

Do you say things that edify and encourage your child?

A good parenting tip is to try to avoid using these five phrases with your child and then notice the difference it’ll make. Encourage him on his journey to becoming a more positive and self-confident child.

1 “Because I’m your parent that’s why.” This statement isn’t giving your child any information as to why he shouldn’t do what he is doing. It’s important that your child understands why he’s not allowed to do what he wants. My good parenting tip is “you should always have a reason as to why your child should or shouldn’t do something. and should explain this to him. ”

2. “Look at you sister/brother why can’t you be more like him/her?” It’s unfair to continually compare one of your children to his brother or sister. Your child will grow up feeling less than positive about himself and his abilities. These remarks will cause him pain, make him feel second-rate and could affect him for a life time. How to be a good parent tip says “look at the things your child can do and encourage him rather than point out what he can’t do.”

3. “Don’t worry about what other children think.”What others think may be extremely important to your child and can effect how they feel about themselves. A child wont worry so much about what other people think about them if they have very good self-esteem . All parenting tips should tell you to built this into your child’s life starting as soon as he’s born.

4 “Pull yourself together” What does this is really mean? Grab hold of yourself and tug as hard as you can? It’s not a good if a child whether boy or girl is never allowed to express how they feel. If using this expression because he’s expressing anger then you need to help him learn how to express this feeling in a different manner. If your child is sad he needs to be able to express his feelings of sadness within the surrounds of a loving family. My next one of my good parents tips is “teach your child how to express what he’s feeling in an open and honest manner.”

5 “If you do again that I’ll give you away” A young child fears being abandoned and your using this fear to try and frighten your child into changing his behavior. You’re not really going to do this; it’s a lie and if you continue lying to your child you’re child will learn not to trust what you say. He’ll also learn that lying is an ok thing to do. Next of my parenting ideas is “set the best example possible for your child”

Use these tips for parents and make a difference by using more positive phrases when speaking to your child.