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One of the basic issues we need to understand is that parents and teens view school very differently. This is important because often we believe that our kids look at school the same way we do.

In many cases, nothing could be further from the truth.

For parents, we work and want to do well in our jobs. So we think because our kids don’t work full time or at all, then school is their full-time job, and they should want to excel.

For teens, as well as many younger kids, school is their social world interrupted by six to seven classes a day.

This different view is the cause for many dinner-table squabbles.

Every now and then, as parents describe the problems with grades, they will say, “We got a D in that class.”

I’ve thought of many responses to that statement, most of which I don’t share. What I do say is, “Excuse me, who is this we? Do you go to class or does your child?”

The point is that at some time – the earlier the better – school must become more important to your child than it is to you.

Having laid out these two basic principles, let’s look at some solutions for handling a less than exciting report card.

1) You’ll want to meet with the teacher of a class in which your child has done poorly. You should ask the teacher: What he thinks might be in the way of your child doing well in this subject; does she think your child has the tools to do well in this class; how are other kids of equal ability doing in this class; what does he recommend your child (notice, not we) do to improve in this class?

2) Learn how to read a report card. There is much more information there than just grades. There’s also conduct and attendance to check out. Look for patterns. If your kid got a good grade and great conduct in one class and poor grades and bad conduct in another, take a look at what the differences are between those two classes. Obviously, the child has the ability in one class. What’s in the way in the other?

3) Often kids will blame the teacher. “She doesn’t like me!” This is an opportunity to teach real-world living in which not all people, bosses included, are going to like you. At the same time, you still need to know how to do well in a situation, even when there are people who don’t like you.

4) Here’s a little trick of the trade: Determine which class comes right before your child’s lunch period. If grades, attendance and conduct are significantly different after lunch than before, the next question is what’s happening at lunch that is getting in the way?

5) Make two copies of your child’s report card _ one for you and one for your child. Draw a horizontal line to the right of each letter grade. Next to the end of that line, write the next letter grade up. For example, if the grade is an F, write a D. If it’s a D, write a C, and so on. These one-step-up grades are the goals for the next grading period.

This may sound like settling for less, but it really is not. It gives your child a manageable goal to reach. Over a couple of grading periods, this strategy can move low grades to high grades. If they go higher than the goal, then that’s a good thing. If they go lower than the goal, it’s time for some consequences.

6) It’s been my experience that grounding a kid for the entire grading period is in most cases counterproductive. For adults, nine weeks is not that long. For kids, however, it’s forever, and you get rapidly diminishing returns.

Instead, start with strong consequences, and then as effort, behavior and grades improve, let the rope out a little at a time, just enough for them to grow themselves.

It’s also useful to link grades to something that is important to them. As one father said to me last year, “In our family, Ds don’t drive.”

One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one that says, “Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict.” You will hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this myth.

The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage “rebellion” is normal;
2. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal it is to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal, teenagers who do not rebel are “not normal,” and will certainly have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must rebel;

The Conclusion to this logic is that “Rebellion today equals healthy living tomorrow.” Therefore, Rebellion is simply an investment in the future!

However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is “common” does not make it “normal.” By “common” we mean a behavior that is observed often; “Normal” means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse “normal” with “common.”

Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against authority, against their parents.

Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager’s attempt to “grow up” and become more “independent.”

Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation’s government.

Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home; the attempt by the teenager to make himself “King” in his own life; the rejection by the teenager of his parent’s values and beliefs.

In every layer of human society God has instituted a system of “government” or a “chain of command structure.” These systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages, families, and the church. Every social organization, or social system, has an organization that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for the enforcement of values among its members, and provides leadership.

The family is important to our society, as it provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with a model of appropriate behavior.

In America, the leading causes of teenage rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture (especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies, and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.

Work with your teen, spend time with your teen, and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and attention invested in his or her life.

Research suggests that parental involvement is a key ingredient to support success in school.   But lots of parents don’t feel qualified to tackle the responsibility of teaching and wonder what they can do to help.  Following are some things you can do and talk about to help your kids succeed–and feel good about it.

1) Make learning relevant–Make sure your child sees what he’s learning reflected in the “real” world. Ask questions. Find out what interested him/her during school lessons…then find examples related to those topics of interest and expand your conversation. Look for real world stories on the internet, at the library or in the newspaper or magazines. By supplementing their at-school learning experience at home, you’re expanding their vision and promoting the idea that more info can be fun–and that what they learn is relevant.

2) Be cautious about how you talk about “learning” and “education” with your kids and around them. Kids inherit your attitudes and ideas about everything–they listen, they watch and they accept your beliefs as truth. It is important to avoid negative statements (i.e. how you had “difficulty in school” and that “teachers are unfair”). Instead, share your positive experiences in learning (i.e. how something you learned was useful or remembering your favorite teacher or an inspiring experience in school).

3) Model goal-setting behaviors. Kids are usually pretty “immediate”. They live in the moment and can’t always see the value of long-term goals–and sometimes they lose patience.   When you talk about your own goals and how long-term planning helped you achieve your goals (and how much better off you are as a result), you’re demonstrating a pattern of behavior and thinking. If you talk without lecturing, kids will hear your stories and (without effort) assume your attitude as “the way we do things in our family”.

4) Demonstrate your commitment to your child’s success. Be sure you’ve supplied the “tools” for success: purchase a calendar or to-do list notebook to help him/her keep on schedule; dedicate a quiet, comfortable and well-lit space for home-work;  maintain (and re-supply as necessary) a handy assortment of school/study supplies (paper, pencils, etc).

5) Organize your living space to reserve a special area for your child’s school papers. Dedicate a shelf or table top for books, backpack, school communications, lunch money, etc. When school materials are blatantly kept in a prominent area (rather than stashed away), you’re providing a constant visual reminder of the value of being prepared for school–And, important items are less likely to get lost or forgotten.

6) Be a “Coach”–actively support your child with encouraging words and confidence-building praise.   It isn’t your job to teach your child when you’re helping with homework–teaching is the teacher’s role. Teachers assign homework to give students an opportunity to review what was learned in school and practice skills that were taught and exercise independent responsibility. Kids will be more willing to buckle down with their homework (and actually learn) when they feel positive support from you rather than reacting to nagging, teasing or threats of punishment. Coaches get more “work” out of their team with “you-can-do-it” type statements than they would with “do-it-or-else” threats. So, one more time:  be a “Coach” for your kids to support their school success.