Question – We are having increasing difficulty dealing with curfews in our home. Our teenagers want to stay out later and later and it’s hard for us to trust them. What can we do?

Answer – Isn’t it amazing how kids believe that they can have fun only after a certain time of evening (or early morning)?

Curfew ripe for power struggles

Curfew can be an area ripe for power struggles, conflict and frustration. When the subject of curfew comes up, many parents hear the same old refrains:

“Everyone else’s parents let them stay out as long as they want.” (check it out, it’s probably not accurate)

“When I get to be a parent, I’m going to let my kids stay out as late as they want.” (right)

If not handled properly, curfew can become a battleground with the parents playing warden to the teenage inmates, and kids sneaking out and/ or not coming home in order to “prove” their independence.

Control vs. management

Curfew can also be an area that can illustrate a useful model for managaging the teenage years.

Many times when parents phone me about a teenager, they say something like, “I can’t seem to control my kid.”

The problem here is one of control vs. management. Trying to control a teenager is like trying to make a gorilla wear pants:

It’s only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla angry.

When we teach our children to feel good about themselves, we teach them how to handle life’s disappointments.

When they do things right, acknowledge it.

Find one or two things about what they did to complement. Don’t go overboard on the praise or they may not believe you are sincere. Simply point out one or two things that you liked about what they did.

Tell them they should be happy about their accomplishment.

This is one trick that most parents miss. We want our kids to learn to look to themselves for validation. We do not want them doing things to make others happy. So lets include one simple sentence in our praise. “You must be very proud of yourself.” or “I’ll bet you are happy with your performance.”

By including a simple sentence that guides them to feel good, your children learn to look to themselves for validation.

Acknowledge their mistakes – but don’t dwell on them.

Be honest. If they tried something and failed, acknowledge the failure, but point out at least one thing they did right in their attempt. “Yes, the house you built with blocks fell down, but I really liked the colors you chose. Let’s try again.” or “I know your shoe came untied, but I’ll bet you are really proud of the fact that you tied them all by yourself today!” or “Yes, you did miss the game winning basket. but you should be proud of the two three point shots you did make.”

These three tips will go a long way in teaching your children to look inside themselves for validation and to shrug off the failures and try again.

Not only are you teaching your children to feel good about themselves, you are strengthening your relationship with them. Your children are seeing you as a loving parent who truly cares how they feel. Even the busiest parents can take a few seconds to teach their children how to feel good about themselves.

The work you do while your children are small will make a world of difference when they become teenagers. If they view you as caring and supportive, they will continue to trust you as they grow older. If they view you as critical and unsupportive, they will look to others to give advice when they reach their teens. Who do you want to guide your teenager – you or your teenager’s friends.

Parenting is easier than most parents think.

If your teenager is giving you problems and you feel like there is nothing left to try to get them to behave, then you need to change your approach. This article will give you some of the best information out there to turn around the current situation with your child and help to really get through to them and communicate with them. While it is not always easy and sometimes takes a little bit of time, no matter what approach you use, the key is persistence.

Even though many teens share the same kinds of issues, they are all different. You will have to come up with unique ways to deal with your teen’s unique problems, but let’s start by examining some of the more common problems that they have and how to deal with them effectively.

When children become teenagers, they begin to experience peer pressure from all ends. They are pressured into doing things like smoking, doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. With so many different things to worry about and their friends outnumbering parents, what is there to do? One of the best things you can do is to talk with them honestly and openly about whatever issue they are having.

It is not always easy to get your kids to talk to you willingly, but just let them know that you are there for them no matter what they do. Many parents make the all too common mistake of overreacting them their child tells them that they did something like tried a certain drug or smoking.

While it is normal to be disappointed or even angry, it is important that you remain calm and be understanding. You should let them know that you have had experience either with indulging in some of these behaviors or at least being pressured into doing some of them. By doing this you are letting them know that you can relate to them and understand what they’re going through.