What’s hard for teenagers

Having people who don’t understand you trying to control you.

Parents not understanding the things you have to deal with.

Having to deal with school.

Being accepted by friends.

Having someone really close to you leave you.

Being blamed for almost everything because we are teen-agers.

Living with divorced parents and having no say in where you go.

Dealing with boy/girl friends.

Trying to deal with a parent who doesn’t want to understand and take time to listen to your comments.

Not being financially independent.

Meeting parents’ expectations and never being good enough.

Knowing your parents are right.

What’s best about being a teen

Getting away with immature behavior.

The chance to try new things.

Having your whole life ahead of you.

Youth, energy and time.

Lots to look forward to.

Getting a driver’s license

Almost being done with school.

Friends and relationships.

Not having to work.

Summer vacation.

What parent’s don’t understand

Our schedules and our social lives.

That restrictions don’t work and talking does.

We’re old enough to make our own choices.

We need to have our freedom every once in a while.

That we make mistakes just like they did.

Grades aren’t the only thing I’m good for; I can make you proud by just being me!!

We love you even if you aren’t around.

Threats make me fear you, not respect you.

What the world is like now, not what it was like when they were kids.

We have feelings, too.

Their words can hurt really badly.

It really is hard to live in a family where your opinion doesn’t count.

We understand trust isn’t cheap but we have to learn some things for ourselves.

PS

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

PPS:

As a side note, may I suggest an incredible book, as you may be looking at developing your finances here as well- Seed Money.

Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they’d probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn’t a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like “I’m still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school.”

Why do they act this way? What’s behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call “individuation.” They are coming into their own true – separate – selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically – and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you’re sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly “perfect,” truly “adored.” When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their “mean” behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that “perfection” is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they’re testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you’ll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts – even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent “safety” in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to “mother” as the “standard to which she aspires and struggles against.” So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents’ feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney

© 2004

PS

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

PPS:

As a side note, may I suggest an incredible book, as you may be looking at developing your finances here as well- Seed Money.

One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one that says, “Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict.” You will hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this myth.

The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage “rebellion” is normal;
2. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal it is to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal, teenagers who do not rebel are “not normal,” and will certainly have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must rebel;

The Conclusion to this logic is that “Rebellion today equals healthy living tomorrow.” Therefore, Rebellion is simply an investment in the future!

However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is “common” does not make it “normal.” By “common” we mean a behavior that is observed often; “Normal” means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse “normal” with “common.”

Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against authority, against their parents.

Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager’s attempt to “grow up” and become more “independent.”

Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation’s government.

Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home; the attempt by the teenager to make himself “King” in his own life; the rejection by the teenager of his parent’s values and beliefs.

In every layer of human society God has instituted a system of “government” or a “chain of command structure.” These systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages, families, and the church. Every social organization, or social system, has an organization that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for the enforcement of values among its members, and provides leadership.

The family is important to our society, as it provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with a model of appropriate behavior.

In America, the leading causes of teenage rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture (especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies, and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.

Work with your teen, spend time with your teen, and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and attention invested in his or her life.

PS

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

PPS:

As a side note, may I suggest an incredible book, as you may be looking at developing your finances here as well- Seed Money.

Law of Belonging – One of the greatest needs of teenagers (after music, screen time and the phone) is a strong sense of belonging. They need to feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. And guess what? If they do not get this need met in a healthy place, they will begin to look for ways to get this need met anywhere else they can find it.

Law of Power – Once you’ve entered into a power struggle with a teenager, you’ve already lost. It’s like the closing line “War Games”, “Interesting game, the only winning move is not to play”.

Law of Control – Trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It’s just going to frustrate you and really irritate the gorilla. Not a great way to live day to day.

Law of Management – A management approach puts the parents clearly in charge. The goal is to eventually manage them out of your lives, and into their own.

Law of Voice – In a well functioning family, the teens almost always get a voice. They just don’t always get a vote. Consistently violate either side of this equation and you’ve got trouble.

Punishment is often done out of anger and is usually for the parent.

Punishment breeds resentment and a desire for revenge.

Teens have many creative ways to get you back.

Law of Consequences – Consequences teach teens about the real world. In general they need to be related, reasonable, respectful, swift, strong and short-term.

Law of Structure – Parents need to set boundaries & structure from day one. If you don’t do it while they are young, what makes you think they will obey curfew when they have a car?

Law of W’s – When teens are gone from home, parents need to know who they are with, where they are going, what they will be doing and what time they will be back.

Law of 20 Feet – The law of 20 feet states that at a certain age, you must walk at least 20 feet away from your teen if you are in a public place. Thirty feet if you’re in the mall.

PS

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

PPS:

As a side note, may I suggest an incredible book, as you may be looking at developing your finances here as well- Seed Money.

Now that your child or children have become teenagers, I’m sure that you have noticed a change in attitude and a change in their vocabulary. I sure remember when I reached my teenage years and the way my parents reacted. They were very concerned with my vocabulary and my, what they labeled, negative attitude. I also recall my attitude when my children became teenagers. I have found that most parents react the same way when they realize that their child/children are becoming more independent.

Teenagers today are being influenced in so many different ways that they really become very confused in which direction they should follow. Because of this confusion, which can lead to mild depression, it is very important that you, as a parent, become very involved in communicating with your child/children on a regular schedule.

A technique that my wife and I found to very helpful in communicating with our teenage children was to set up a schedule to talk with them. We decided to sit down with our children three days a week for at least 1 hour each day. There were no interruptions. Phones were turned off, no TV, no IPods, no cell phones, no computers. The only sounds that were heard were the sounds of good communication between our children and their parents. We continued this process for 6 years.

If you decide to try this technique then you must make a commitment that it will be a positive and uplifting experience. You should also realize that some old habits are going to change, usually in a positive direction. During your communication time with your teenager/teenagers you always want to communicate your love, respect and how proud you are of them. While in your family get together you always should be using positive words and ideas.

Positive words and ideas that you can use are; keeping a smile on your face, intelligence, leader or leadership, smart, friendly, attractive, good looking, friend, helper, helping others, serving others, positive attitude, positive words, good habits, good study habits, great grades, respect for themselves, respect for others, love of family, integrity and excellence and being the best that you can be every day. These words and ideas are examples we used during our communication time as a family. The results were fantastic and very rewarding.

Now, as you develop your own technique to communicate with your teen/teens, make sure that you’re honest and committed to help them develop a positive attitude and a positive vocabulary. You will be very proud of the progressive success that will be the result of you commitment.

PS

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

PPS:

As a side note, may I suggest an incredible book, as you may be looking at developing your finances here as well- Seed Money.

Question – We are having increasing difficulty dealing with curfews in our home. Our teenagers want to stay out later and later and it’s hard for us to trust them. What can we do?

Answer – Isn’t it amazing how kids believe that they can have fun only after a certain time of evening (or early morning)?

Curfew ripe for power struggles

Curfew can be an area ripe for power struggles, conflict and frustration. When the subject of curfew comes up, many parents hear the same old refrains:

“Everyone else’s parents let them stay out as long as they want.” (check it out, it’s probably not accurate)

“When I get to be a parent, I’m going to let my kids stay out as late as they want.” (right)

If not handled properly, curfew can become a battleground with the parents playing warden to the teenage inmates, and kids sneaking out and/ or not coming home in order to “prove” their independence.

Control vs. management

Curfew can also be an area that can illustrate a useful model for managaging the teenage years.

Many times when parents phone me about a teenager, they say something like, “I can’t seem to control my kid.”

The problem here is one of control vs. management. Trying to control a teenager is like trying to make a gorilla wear pants:

It’s only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla angry.

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

When we teach our children to feel good about themselves, we teach them how to handle life’s disappointments.

When they do things right, acknowledge it.

Find one or two things about what they did to complement. Don’t go overboard on the praise or they may not believe you are sincere. Simply point out one or two things that you liked about what they did.

Tell them they should be happy about their accomplishment.

This is one trick that most parents miss. We want our kids to learn to look to themselves for validation. We do not want them doing things to make others happy. So lets include one simple sentence in our praise. “You must be very proud of yourself.” or “I’ll bet you are happy with your performance.”

By including a simple sentence that guides them to feel good, your children learn to look to themselves for validation.

Acknowledge their mistakes – but don’t dwell on them.

Be honest. If they tried something and failed, acknowledge the failure, but point out at least one thing they did right in their attempt. “Yes, the house you built with blocks fell down, but I really liked the colors you chose. Let’s try again.” or “I know your shoe came untied, but I’ll bet you are really proud of the fact that you tied them all by yourself today!” or “Yes, you did miss the game winning basket. but you should be proud of the two three point shots you did make.”

These three tips will go a long way in teaching your children to look inside themselves for validation and to shrug off the failures and try again.

Not only are you teaching your children to feel good about themselves, you are strengthening your relationship with them. Your children are seeing you as a loving parent who truly cares how they feel. Even the busiest parents can take a few seconds to teach their children how to feel good about themselves.

The work you do while your children are small will make a world of difference when they become teenagers. If they view you as caring and supportive, they will continue to trust you as they grow older. If they view you as critical and unsupportive, they will look to others to give advice when they reach their teens. Who do you want to guide your teenager – you or your teenager’s friends.

Parenting is easier than most parents think.

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

If your teenager is giving you problems and you feel like there is nothing left to try to get them to behave, then you need to change your approach. This article will give you some of the best information out there to turn around the current situation with your child and help to really get through to them and communicate with them. While it is not always easy and sometimes takes a little bit of time, no matter what approach you use, the key is persistence.

Even though many teens share the same kinds of issues, they are all different. You will have to come up with unique ways to deal with your teen’s unique problems, but let’s start by examining some of the more common problems that they have and how to deal with them effectively.

When children become teenagers, they begin to experience peer pressure from all ends. They are pressured into doing things like smoking, doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. With so many different things to worry about and their friends outnumbering parents, what is there to do? One of the best things you can do is to talk with them honestly and openly about whatever issue they are having.

It is not always easy to get your kids to talk to you willingly, but just let them know that you are there for them no matter what they do. Many parents make the all too common mistake of overreacting them their child tells them that they did something like tried a certain drug or smoking.

While it is normal to be disappointed or even angry, it is important that you remain calm and be understanding. You should let them know that you have had experience either with indulging in some of these behaviors or at least being pressured into doing some of them. By doing this you are letting them know that you can relate to them and understand what they’re going through.

Further Resources

I have also found that it is important to ensure that you are as focused as you can be, given all your responsibilities as a parent, and time consuming tasks you have to get through. This is where the Success Strategies System comes in.

You can learn the tips and get the information yopu need, in small daily chunks, in as little as around five or six minutes daily.

I also highly recommend the Self Help Database, loaded with fantastic ebooks on a range of subjects for your improvement, development, and interest.

For personal development (always a plus with parenting), may I direct you here.

How much longer will you tolerate
dishonesty and disrespect?

If so, then this may be the most
important website entry you see today:

The problem is that most parents of strong-willed, out of control teenagers
have tried very hard to regain control — but with little or no success.  And
it seems the harder the parent tries, the more the teenager “acts-out.”  

I often hear the following statement from parents: “I’ve tried everything
with this child — and nothing works!“  But when they attend my parent-
program, they soon discover they have not tried everything, rather they have
tried some things.

Now there is an online version of the parent-program for working parents
who are struggling with their out-of-control teenagers, and you will experience
the same success as those who attend the program in person.  

You will learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately
rather than months or years down the road.  And I guarantee your success or
you get your money back — and you can keep the package I am about to offer
you.  This is how confident I am that the online version of the parent-program
is going to work for you.  

·         Is your child in charge (the tail is wagging the dog)?

·         Does she/he have an “attitude” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

·         Is she/he resentful about something that happened in the
past and just can’t seem to get over it?

Are you concerned that your child is:

·         Having unprotected sex?

·         Hanging with the wrong crowd?

·         Experimenting with drugs or alcohol?

Has your child:

·         Lied to you?

·         Stolen from you?

·         Skipped school?

·         Destroyed property?

·         Ran away from home?

·         Had a brush with the law?

·         Refused to follow any rules?

·         Stayed out at night without permission?

If so, then I hope you download My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook and join
Online Parent Support today.

I am Heading to the Out of Control Teen Site Now!

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