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What’s hard for teenagers

Having people who don’t understand you trying to control you.

Parents not understanding the things you have to deal with.

Having to deal with school.

Being accepted by friends.

Having someone really close to you leave you.

Being blamed for almost everything because we are teen-agers.

Living with divorced parents and having no say in where you go.

Dealing with boy/girl friends.

Trying to deal with a parent who doesn’t want to understand and take time to listen to your comments.

Not being financially independent.

Meeting parents’ expectations and never being good enough.

Knowing your parents are right.

What’s best about being a teen

Getting away with immature behavior.

The chance to try new things.

Having your whole life ahead of you.

Youth, energy and time.

Lots to look forward to.

Getting a driver’s license

Almost being done with school.

Friends and relationships.

Not having to work.

Summer vacation.

What parent’s don’t understand

Our schedules and our social lives.

That restrictions don’t work and talking does.

We’re old enough to make our own choices.

We need to have our freedom every once in a while.

That we make mistakes just like they did.

Grades aren’t the only thing I’m good for; I can make you proud by just being me!!

We love you even if you aren’t around.

Threats make me fear you, not respect you.

What the world is like now, not what it was like when they were kids.

We have feelings, too.

Their words can hurt really badly.

It really is hard to live in a family where your opinion doesn’t count.

We understand trust isn’t cheap but we have to learn some things for ourselves.

Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they’d probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn’t a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like “I’m still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school.”

Why do they act this way? What’s behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call “individuation.” They are coming into their own true – separate – selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically – and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you’re sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly “perfect,” truly “adored.” When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their “mean” behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that “perfection” is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they’re testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you’ll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts – even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent “safety” in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to “mother” as the “standard to which she aspires and struggles against.” So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents’ feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney

© 2004

One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one that says, “Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict.” You will hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this myth.

The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage “rebellion” is normal;
2. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal it is to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal, teenagers who do not rebel are “not normal,” and will certainly have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must rebel;

The Conclusion to this logic is that “Rebellion today equals healthy living tomorrow.” Therefore, Rebellion is simply an investment in the future!

However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is “common” does not make it “normal.” By “common” we mean a behavior that is observed often; “Normal” means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse “normal” with “common.”

Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against authority, against their parents.

Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager’s attempt to “grow up” and become more “independent.”

Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation’s government.

Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home; the attempt by the teenager to make himself “King” in his own life; the rejection by the teenager of his parent’s values and beliefs.

In every layer of human society God has instituted a system of “government” or a “chain of command structure.” These systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages, families, and the church. Every social organization, or social system, has an organization that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for the enforcement of values among its members, and provides leadership.

The family is important to our society, as it provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with a model of appropriate behavior.

In America, the leading causes of teenage rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture (especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies, and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.

Work with your teen, spend time with your teen, and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and attention invested in his or her life.

Law of Belonging – One of the greatest needs of teenagers (after music, screen time and the phone) is a strong sense of belonging. They need to feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. And guess what? If they do not get this need met in a healthy place, they will begin to look for ways to get this need met anywhere else they can find it.

Law of Power – Once you’ve entered into a power struggle with a teenager, you’ve already lost. It’s like the closing line “War Games”, “Interesting game, the only winning move is not to play”.

Law of Control – Trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It’s just going to frustrate you and really irritate the gorilla. Not a great way to live day to day.

Law of Management – A management approach puts the parents clearly in charge. The goal is to eventually manage them out of your lives, and into their own.

Law of Voice – In a well functioning family, the teens almost always get a voice. They just don’t always get a vote. Consistently violate either side of this equation and you’ve got trouble.

Punishment is often done out of anger and is usually for the parent.

Punishment breeds resentment and a desire for revenge.

Teens have many creative ways to get you back.

Law of Consequences – Consequences teach teens about the real world. In general they need to be related, reasonable, respectful, swift, strong and short-term.

Law of Structure – Parents need to set boundaries & structure from day one. If you don’t do it while they are young, what makes you think they will obey curfew when they have a car?

Law of W’s – When teens are gone from home, parents need to know who they are with, where they are going, what they will be doing and what time they will be back.

Law of 20 Feet – The law of 20 feet states that at a certain age, you must walk at least 20 feet away from your teen if you are in a public place. Thirty feet if you’re in the mall.

Now that your child or children have become teenagers, I’m sure that you have noticed a change in attitude and a change in their vocabulary. I sure remember when I reached my teenage years and the way my parents reacted. They were very concerned with my vocabulary and my, what they labeled, negative attitude. I also recall my attitude when my children became teenagers. I have found that most parents react the same way when they realize that their child/children are becoming more independent.

Teenagers today are being influenced in so many different ways that they really become very confused in which direction they should follow. Because of this confusion, which can lead to mild depression, it is very important that you, as a parent, become very involved in communicating with your child/children on a regular schedule.

A technique that my wife and I found to very helpful in communicating with our teenage children was to set up a schedule to talk with them. We decided to sit down with our children three days a week for at least 1 hour each day. There were no interruptions. Phones were turned off, no TV, no IPods, no cell phones, no computers. The only sounds that were heard were the sounds of good communication between our children and their parents. We continued this process for 6 years.

If you decide to try this technique then you must make a commitment that it will be a positive and uplifting experience. You should also realize that some old habits are going to change, usually in a positive direction. During your communication time with your teenager/teenagers you always want to communicate your love, respect and how proud you are of them. While in your family get together you always should be using positive words and ideas.

Positive words and ideas that you can use are; keeping a smile on your face, intelligence, leader or leadership, smart, friendly, attractive, good looking, friend, helper, helping others, serving others, positive attitude, positive words, good habits, good study habits, great grades, respect for themselves, respect for others, love of family, integrity and excellence and being the best that you can be every day. These words and ideas are examples we used during our communication time as a family. The results were fantastic and very rewarding.

Now, as you develop your own technique to communicate with your teen/teens, make sure that you’re honest and committed to help them develop a positive attitude and a positive vocabulary. You will be very proud of the progressive success that will be the result of you commitment.