Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they’d probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn’t a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like “I’m still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school.”

Why do they act this way? What’s behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call “individuation.” They are coming into their own true – separate – selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically – and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you’re sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly “perfect,” truly “adored.” When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their “mean” behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that “perfection” is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they’re testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you’ll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts – even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent “safety” in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to “mother” as the “standard to which she aspires and struggles against.” So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents’ feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney

© 2004

One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one that says, “Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict.” You will hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this myth.

The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage “rebellion” is normal;
2. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal it is to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal, teenagers who do not rebel are “not normal,” and will certainly have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must rebel;

The Conclusion to this logic is that “Rebellion today equals healthy living tomorrow.” Therefore, Rebellion is simply an investment in the future!

However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is “common” does not make it “normal.” By “common” we mean a behavior that is observed often; “Normal” means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse “normal” with “common.”

Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against authority, against their parents.

Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager’s attempt to “grow up” and become more “independent.”

Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation’s government.

Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home; the attempt by the teenager to make himself “King” in his own life; the rejection by the teenager of his parent’s values and beliefs.

In every layer of human society God has instituted a system of “government” or a “chain of command structure.” These systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages, families, and the church. Every social organization, or social system, has an organization that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for the enforcement of values among its members, and provides leadership.

The family is important to our society, as it provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with a model of appropriate behavior.

In America, the leading causes of teenage rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture (especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies, and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.

Work with your teen, spend time with your teen, and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and attention invested in his or her life.

When your children are little, you purchase things for them that they may need or want. Once they hit the teenage years, that’s a different story. As the parent of a teenager, you need to have a plan for teaching teens to save money. When you child hits the teenage years the things they want seem to increase and so does the price. They still seem to think you have all the money in the world and you can and should buy them whatever they want.

Once they hit 16, they should get a job. But it can start earlier than that if you want it to. They can mow lawns, shovel sidewalks, or babysit. Working hard and making money will teach them the value of a dollar. Once they start making money they will probably want to spend quickly too. Teaching teens to save money may be difficult at first, but you need to do it.

Teaching teens to save money is important for their future. They need to know why they should save and how to do it. You may need to learn yourself so you can teach your teens to save money, but it will be a valuable lesson for you as well. The first thing you need to do is take them to the bank and set up a savings account for them.

Once you do this you need to set them up on a budget. Teaching teens to save money through a budget is one way to make this happen. You need to gather all their bills and their pay checks. Their checks will be different since they are probably not guaranteed the same number of hours each week.

You need to teach your teens the reasons why they need to save money. These reasons can include saving for a car, a special date, new clothes, or college. Teens want expensive things and when it gets to a point where they have their own money, you should consider making them pay for most of those things.

Teaching teens to save money can be a very difficult thing to do. You need to stand your ground when they try to tell you they have no need to save money. It may be hard for you, but you can do it and you will thank yourself for it in the future.

Your teen will thank you when they have a major repair that is needed on their car, or if they have to buy tires for it, or they find a new pair of shoes they “must” have. They will also be thankful when they are grown, married, and have their own kids and need money to buy their first house.

There are many reasons why teaching teens to save money is so important. Showing them how to save money will not only help them now, but in the future as well. They will be so happy you taught them these things later in life when they have a family and retirement to think about.

As I mention in many of my articles, being the parent of a teenager can be like walking a fine line at all times. It is a constant balancing act between wanting to protect your teen from bad decisions and harm and wanting them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of these decisions. Obviously when your children are younger you can control much more of what goes on in their lives. You can better control their environment and they are very open to your making a lot of their decisions for them. This is clearly not the case with teenagers.

In this article, I will review four parenting styles described in the book Love and Logic. The first three are often used by parents of teenagers but are not considered to be the most effective. The last style is considered by many to be the most effective parenting style for parents of teens.

1. Helicopter Parents
If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise. Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children.

These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents. The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

2. Drill Sergeant Parents
If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

3. The Laissez-Faire Parent
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

4. The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before. Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

Which type of parent do you think you are and could you create more situations where you behave in the role of a consultant?

Much of the information for this article was taken from Parenting Teens With Love & Logic (2006) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

Why is it important to raise fearless children? Simply put; fears paralyze, crush self esteem and destroy dreams.

I’ve worked with hundreds of parents over the past few years that have trouble helping their children overcome fear. The reason? They themselves can’t break through the barrier of fear and it’s then passed down from generation to generation.

I’d like to offer hope first, then a challenge.

It is possible to live free from fearful anxiety attacks, constant worry, over exaggerating stories that perpetuate the fearful attacks going off in your mind. People achieve freedom from fear on a daily basis but it takes diligent practice and guided instruction.  You can handle it, but you must tell yourself you can and believe it.  I didn’t say it would be easy, just that it is possible.

Here are a few tips you can use to challenge yourself while encouraging your teenager.

1. Ask how your teenager perceives themselves – Does your teenager feel ugly? Unlovable? Like they don’t measure up? Be transparent with them if that is how you also feel, but understand it is a belief that can be dramatically altered by learning a few powerful concepts and techniques.

2. When the time ‘feels right’, let them know you’d like to help them move away from their pain, not towards it. – Say this in a gentle way. You are not the enemy but when a child feels hurt, they often forget that so the timing and delivery of your message is very important.

3. Ask what you can do to help them when they feel frightened. – No matter who we are, being frightened is something that can happen to the best of us. Let them know you want to help through their feelings of fear but they must get beyond it.  You may need assistance in this yourself so make a commitment to work through it together.  Often your teen will appreciate working toward the same goal, which can often bridge a very wide gap.

4. Hold them – That’s right, give them a hug or put your arm around their shoulder.  Remember that they sometimes want to be held to, no matter how big, how old, how macho, how silly or how angry they might be on the outside. They are still young on the inside just like you are.

5. Ask what they think some of their trigger points are that remind them of the original hurt. – If the pain is not resolved, released or forgiven, the pain is buried and brought up again with a trigger of something said or done. Forgiveness is the only way past this problem.

6. Spend a few minutes of each day just the two of you. – You don’t have to say one word, just be in the same room with them a few minutes of each day. You will be amazed at what they begin to share with you on their own after a few days or weeks of doing this simple thing.

7. Remind them, and yourself, to be patient. – It will take time to bring about the changes you both want to see in your relationship.

It’s about being there, being present, and connecting to the best relationship you could possibly have with your teen.