“We’re like best friends. I tell my mom everything.” This is a parent-teen dynamic sometimes seen in therapy that I refer to as the BFF (Best Friends Forever). Teens are endlessly entertaining–and occasionally it can be fun to “hang out” with your kid and vicariously revel in all her reckless, “Goth-y,” authority-denouncing abandonment, but it should not be a habitual practice. When you treat your child as a peer, the distortion of parental and adolescent roles and boundaries often results in confusion, resentment, and even toxicity in your relationship.

There is a reason that the BFF acronym implies an age imperative commonly associated with the very young. You are not your child’s best friend, and that is why she has a best friend. I laugh when my 8 year-old defiantly states “Oh yeah–well, you’re not my friend then…’” I respond with “You’re darned right I’m not your friend–I’m your Mom!”

Our ultimate job as parents is to set boundaries, lead by example, offer guidance, recognize accomplishments, and provide discipline–which oftentimes consists of less than friendly behavior. Teens are navigating specific developmental tasks such as puberty, sexuality, peer pressure, and social norms, and each requires peer inclusion and feedback as a barometer when testing these treacherous waters. Parental input and support are crucial too, but your time together should not be a substitute for your teen’s involvement with his social group.

Adolescents are still very much concrete thinkers, and are not equipped with the mental and emotional faculties, frame of reference, and judgment to be stand-in adults. While your child may be sensitive, insightful, and mature for his age, it is unfair to burden him with your relationship problems, work-related stress, and economic woes. One possible byproduct of overloading them emotionally is that they may not discuss their problems, and in turn, may repress and/or “act out” some of their unmet needs. A common response I encounter as to why a teen hasn’t talked to mom or dad is “I don’t want to cause any more problems for my parents–they have enough to deal with already.”

Additionally, when a teen is lacking that all-important parental figure, she is left to parent herself. Many young people do not make sound decisions when it comes to rule compliance at home, at school, and in the community. For this reason they should not be entrusted with setting their own schedules, choosing sleep hours, deciding when to do their homework, and maintaining friendships with whomever they want. A pertinent question I ask a parent who defers to her child for decision making is “Based on your child’s current behaviors, do you think she is capable of making a wise decision on this matter?” The answer is usually no. Your teen is counting on you to be a parent now more than ever. It is normal for him to feel out of control internally, and you can help by providing an external safety net where he can express his emotions and fears, and at the same time feel contained by your empathy, guidance, and supervision. Balance can be achieved in your relationship when you communicate openly and authentically, and reinforce consistency and supervision of family rules.

There exists basic ethical guidelines prohibiting surgeons from operating on family members, attorneys from defending their loved ones, and therapists from practicing on their in-laws (!), and the same moral considerations and distinctions should be accorded for the roles of parents and teenagers.

Law of Belonging – One of the greatest needs of teenagers (after music, screen time and the phone) is a strong sense of belonging. They need to feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. And guess what? If they do not get this need met in a healthy place, they will begin to look for ways to get this need met anywhere else they can find it.

Law of Power – Once you’ve entered into a power struggle with a teenager, you’ve already lost. It’s like the closing line “War Games”, “Interesting game, the only winning move is not to play”.

Law of Control – Trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It’s just going to frustrate you and really irritate the gorilla. Not a great way to live day to day.

Law of Management – A management approach puts the parents clearly in charge. The goal is to eventually manage them out of your lives, and into their own.

Law of Voice – In a well functioning family, the teens almost always get a voice. They just don’t always get a vote. Consistently violate either side of this equation and you’ve got trouble.

Punishment is often done out of anger and is usually for the parent.

Punishment breeds resentment and a desire for revenge.

Teens have many creative ways to get you back.

Law of Consequences – Consequences teach teens about the real world. In general they need to be related, reasonable, respectful, swift, strong and short-term.

Law of Structure – Parents need to set boundaries & structure from day one. If you don’t do it while they are young, what makes you think they will obey curfew when they have a car?

Law of W’s – When teens are gone from home, parents need to know who they are with, where they are going, what they will be doing and what time they will be back.

Law of 20 Feet – The law of 20 feet states that at a certain age, you must walk at least 20 feet away from your teen if you are in a public place. Thirty feet if you’re in the mall.

It isn’t easy being a mother! Mother’s Day is a well-deserved holiday. Thanks to its inventor, designer, instigator or whatever you wish to call him or her.

From the time she is made aware there is a life forming inside her. The woman begins to realize the lack of power she has over her own being. Awesome emotions arise in her, hope, fear, love, resentment and happiness. Seesawing feelings put her on the roller coaster ride of her life. Observers may think she’s losing her mind because of her wave-like attitudes and actions.

She feels out of control for a time, because of her unsure up and down moods. Eventually, if she’s lucky, she will settle down to an even keel and ride the waves with ease. Sure she saw the photo of her little one, but it still didn’t feel real. Then, the little being flutters its butterfly wings, or so it feels. She thinks she felt movement in her belly. “No, just my imagination. There it is again! Wow! There is real life in there! Hi Baby, I’m your mother,” she says, tears welling in her eyes.

This is just the beginning of her mother-child relationship. Her instincts cause her to be protective of her most recent charge and her life takes off in lofty, new directions. Pregnancy and motherhood dominate her thoughts and actions. Hopefully, it will be a positive nine-month experience. True, for an occasional woman, this is a less than pleasant time, which is sad because she will miss on to the most exhilarating times in her life. Pregnancy is her opportunity to hold hands with God as this new creation uses her body as its host for growth. She is its cocoon of safety until it is ready to burst forward into new life.

Her back, feet and legs will ache. Her belly gets in the way of tying shoes, cutting toenails and vacuuming under the bed. Sleeping on her stomach will be another sacrifice in the later months. She will outgrow her clothes and be forced to wear styles she will come to abhor. But, still she persists. She is with child. She wonders if she is still attractive to her husband and thinks “not!”

Eventually, the little “miracle” makes its way into the world. More changes! Sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, baby spit up on its clothes and hers, even the furniture is baptized in baby food reject. Her lessons are in patience, charity, forgiveness and hope for better times. For a while, praising God for an occasional good night’s sleep will be her reward for motherhood. Later, the joys of the first steps and the first words, the toothless smiles, the knee hugs and the juicy, face-kisses, help her to know its all worth it-being a mother.

Three years old, becoming a real person At three years, or there about, her youngster learns the power of words. “No!” and “Why?” become her constant companions, the thorn in her side. She begins to believe she has become a Professor of world knowledge, but is ready to retire. Eventually, she learns the “Mothers’ Secret Weapon,” the answer of all answers, “Because I said so!”

Tantrums are the little life-agitations she learns to walk away from. She gets a handle on the art of being deaf to noisy protests.

At five or six years of age, school days bring motherly pride and blessed QUIET. Sanity returns from the 8 to 3 or somewhere around that time. Occasionally, bedtime comes and she can obliterate the responsibility of family life, but before she goes to sleep, she thanks God for them all. She really loves them.

When did I lose control? Just when mother has gained a measure of control on her life and feels good about a job well done, a “strange” teenager emerges. Then the days, of why, whining and tantrums and “No, I won’t!” return from nowhere, just like a bad dream. Rebelliousness, defiance, and resentfulness and daring proclamations become the order of the day. Dutifully, mom chauffeurs this “new creation” to soccer and band practice and an occasional pajama party, then wonders if her trust was justified. She has to reach down into the recesses of her soul to find that youthful, innocent mother of her child’s younger years. She has to relearn the patience, kindness, forgiveness and hope of the three-year-old years.

Prayer is her constant crutch. God learns to recognize her voice again. If her faith is strong she will believe He is listening and may even be able to listen to Him, instead of just shouting for His aid.

The “enemy” seems to be hiding behind the sanctuary of a closed bedroom door most of the time. Once in a while, the sullen, dark face passes by, not speaking. She still loves her child. It’s hard, but she loves this stranger. Somewhere in her mother’s heart, there is a tiny light of hope for better days.

Then high school graduation is on the horizon Better days do come, much later, it seems, but they do come. That wet-face-kisser, that jeans-dragging, body-pierced, money-grabbing humanoid, gradually goes through some miraculous changes, itself. High school is drawing to a close. Thoughts of life after school emerge when the irresponsible roots have been jerked out of the ground. “Whoa, what now?” The question has a sobering effect on this almost adult.

Praise God, praise God. My child must have cleaned out his/her ears, cleared the cobwebs from his/her brain,” mother shouts. Hopefully, this new being will go on to college or learn a trade, marry and produce little humanoids in his/her own likeness, with all the characteristics of his/her own youth.

Mom’s revenge, grandchildren

Then, and only then, Mom, turned Grandma, can cover her smile behind her hand and think “Gotcha!”