When we teach our children to feel good about themselves, we teach them how to handle life’s disappointments.

When they do things right, acknowledge it.

Find one or two things about what they did to complement. Don’t go overboard on the praise or they may not believe you are sincere. Simply point out one or two things that you liked about what they did.

Tell them they should be happy about their accomplishment.

This is one trick that most parents miss. We want our kids to learn to look to themselves for validation. We do not want them doing things to make others happy. So lets include one simple sentence in our praise. “You must be very proud of yourself.” or “I’ll bet you are happy with your performance.”

By including a simple sentence that guides them to feel good, your children learn to look to themselves for validation.

Acknowledge their mistakes – but don’t dwell on them.

Be honest. If they tried something and failed, acknowledge the failure, but point out at least one thing they did right in their attempt. “Yes, the house you built with blocks fell down, but I really liked the colors you chose. Let’s try again.” or “I know your shoe came untied, but I’ll bet you are really proud of the fact that you tied them all by yourself today!” or “Yes, you did miss the game winning basket. but you should be proud of the two three point shots you did make.”

These three tips will go a long way in teaching your children to look inside themselves for validation and to shrug off the failures and try again.

Not only are you teaching your children to feel good about themselves, you are strengthening your relationship with them. Your children are seeing you as a loving parent who truly cares how they feel. Even the busiest parents can take a few seconds to teach their children how to feel good about themselves.

The work you do while your children are small will make a world of difference when they become teenagers. If they view you as caring and supportive, they will continue to trust you as they grow older. If they view you as critical and unsupportive, they will look to others to give advice when they reach their teens. Who do you want to guide your teenager – you or your teenager’s friends.

Parenting is easier than most parents think.

Success without fulfilment equals failure and a lot of our pain comes from one or more of the six not being met. Now the good thing about that is; you’re about to learn what those 6 needs are as well as some options for ensuring that you are meeting your own needs and then helping to meet your children’s needs (remember the aircraft scenario, where you put your own mask on before you put the mask on of others.)

We can sometimes look at the challenges we have with ourselves, our children and partner as a problem and get bogged down in the pain or we can focus on creating an opportunity to learn, grow and develop our relationship. You may also find that as you resolve your own needs those of your children may be met and therefore the issue disappears. There’s this theory, and it is only a theory, that the world around you, is a bit like a mirror and it reflects what is going on within you. So theoretically if you clear “stuff” up within yourself by meeting your needs then some of the issues that are faced by those you love may also disappear. Mmmmmm, interesting stuff.

Now I know that that may sound like new age hippy stuff about embracing problems and being at one with the world. The thing is sometimes it’s not about what you are doing; it’s about who you are BEING. We learn more from our mistakes in life than from our successes. It’s not what is going on in your life, but how you respond to it that counts; it’s about BEING response-able.

It’s interesting that as you learn about the 6 needs you will instantly recognise in your life when the need is not being met. How? Well normally we will ‘act out’, and that’s you as well as your children, when our needs are not met. It’s interesting, especially when you start to look at your children and their behaviour, then look at what is going on when they are ‘acting out’ that you can start to recognise that one or more needs are not being met. You can then start to help your child meet their needs in a more ecological (good for them, your family and the wider world) way.

The thing is Parenthood is one of those things that didn’t come with a handbook. Some people didn’t even apply for the job and yet here you are responsible for the wellbeing and development of another one, or more, human beings. Now that used to scare the living daylights out of me; now it only scares me a little bit;). The reason being is sometimes it’s not about getting it right all the time, it’s not about doing the right thing and being politically correct all the time, the key is your intention behind the action.

Children of any age can see through adults like we are made of glass and if your intentions are misplaced then they will see right through you. It’s better to be up front and honest than to try and manipulate your children into doing something. Now I know that sometimes we don’t tell our children the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth, because it’s also our job to protect them from ‘stuff’ that may be going on in the family, whether it is financial worries, relationship problems or anything else. Just remember be as honest as you can. Be yourself and stop trying to be the perfect parent, whatever that happens to be. One of my sons said to me when he was about three…”Mum, you’re the best mum in the world” and yes I felt rather smug…then he said “Auntie Shirley is the best mum in the world for Jessica and Auntie Linda is the best mum in the world for Lewis, because we picked you to be our mum”. Talk about being insightful! You are the best mum or dad for your child, so stop trying to get it right and start having fun and play around with being the best parent you can be. Oh and when you do make a mistake, apologise, there’s nothing like being a good role model. We expect our children to apologise and sometimes forget to do so ourselves.

It’s important to remember that how you go about getting your needs met will either empower or dis-empower you. There are two ways to have the tallest building in the world; you can build one yourself or tear everyone else’s down.

Fulfilment is where you do things that are VERY IMPORTANT, BUT NOT URGENT. Satisfying your needs contains all of the actions that we “never get to” because we are “so busy”. So as you read through the upcoming e:mails, think about how you can have your needs met and think about you can help your child meet their needs; and here’s the thing, I want you to commit to making the time to make the changes and to take action. Can you do that? Yes? Great. No, then maybe your not ready to make the change…. yet.

Do you have a child between the ages of 5 and 9? That special season is a time of enormous growth and development and can be a whirlwind to observe. I am privileged to be parenting my fourth elementary-age child. Here are some of my favorite 10 parenting tips for early school-age kids.

1. It’s a big world.

The first few years of school are exciting and stressful. Learning how to listen to adults besides mom and dad and being on their own for several hours each day is a tremendous leap forward in a child’s life. As a parent, keep in mind this transition your child is moving through and be patient and understanding.

2. Give them your confidence.

A child this age often will doubt his abilities. Sometimes he will verbalize this lack of self-confidence; sometimes it stays his little secret. You can help him by sharing your own confidence in his abilities with him. Be matter-of-fact about his talents and express your utter confidence in him, even if you have your own set of concerns.

3. Be interested.

What is your child learning about school? How did recess go? What is her favorite part of school? What is bugging her? Staying interested in your child’s daily life goes a long ways towards establishing a healthy on-going relationship.

4. Friendships count.

An elementary-age child is learning a lot about friendships. What works and frustratingly, what doesn’t. They are also learning that families operate differently; what is a vital rule in your own family may not matter at all in another family. Learning that people do things differently is an important lesson at this stage.

5. Talk values.

This is the age to solidify what values are important to your family with your child. Ideas such as:

- We are kind. Why is this important?
- We are fair, even when others are not.
- We tell the truth, even when it gets us into trouble.

These important concepts MUST be cemented in your child now if you want him to live by them when he gets to the teen years.

6. Don’t overload.

In this day of multiple after school activities, it’s easy to pile on too much for the average primary-schooler. Her main ‘job’ is school, so give adequate time, space and support to homework. Once that is finished, free playtime is important at this age as most kids spend several hours a day sitting at a desk and being quiet.

7. Family time is a priority.

Daily dinnertime together, a weekly game night, chores done as a team, a quiet time reading or enjoying music together, playing sports as a family; any of these ideas and many, many more are great ways to foster a sense of family in your home. Make sure you make together-time a priority.

8. Celebrate the team.

Kids this age need to know they are a part of something bigger than themselves and the family structure can fill that need beautifully. Worshipping, playing and working together are smart ways to build your family’s strength for the years ahead as well as enjoy each other today.

9. Have a family ‘thing’.

Drawing on parenting tip #8, decide on a fun hobby the whole family can enjoy and jump right in. You can bike, go camping, build model trains, raise bunnies, volunteer in your community, or investigate the stars together. Trust me, nothing will build family memories easier or better than a shared family hobby.

10. Teach personal responsibility.

This parenting tip is vital for your child’s long-term well-being. And it’s simple enough to instill. Chores, homework and learning new skills like musical instruments or sports activities are excellent ways to teach your school-aged child more and more about being responsible for himself and his possessions.

Now you have 10 parenting tips for elementary-age children. Each one of these tips has been time-tested in my home and thousands of other homes over the years. These parenting tips work…but only if you PUT them to work with your family. Enjoy your family more by taking the guesswork out of parenting. Establish these simple guidelines and reduce your parenting stress load today.

A reader writes in to ask: “We faced with some power struggles with our 14 year-old. They just keep getting bigger and bigger. No matter what we try to do it seems he has to fight us for all he’s worth. We don’t want to give in, but we are afraid of what might happen. Do you have any suggestions for how we can successfully take stand without losing the relationship?”

-You have asked a very good question, one that almost every family with teen-agers has to face at some point.

A general rule for parents of teens

Let’s start with a general rule about power struggles and teens:

Once you enter into a power struggle with a teen-ager, you
have already lost. Not because they are more powerful than parents.

Not at all.

It’s simply that once you enter into a power struggle, you may end up winning, but you do so only at the expense of the relationship.

Should we let them do whatever they want?

Am I saying that parents are to back off and just let teens do whatever they want?

Not on your life!

Shift the focus to yourselves

What I am saying is that, as parents, you have to work smarter instead of harder.

The first step involves a shift in your focus. Here’s what I mean:

Simply stated, the shift involves moving from what you want to make your teen do to focusing on what you are going to get yourselves to do as parents.

So how do we do that?

It involves a four-step process that helps you creatively solve parent teen difficulties and have fun doing it. I realize that’s a fairly bold statement. Read on and see what you think.

I call this four-step process Developing Your Parent’s Playbook.(tm) It’s my favorite skill to teach at seminars. Let’s take a look at each of the four steps.

Step 1: Identify the problem

Step 2: Identify one or two solutions you have tried that don’t work, even though it seems they should. This is where most parents get stuck. They keep on doing the same things that don’t work over and over again and expecting different results. The bottom line is this: If it’s not working, it’s not working, and it’s time to try something different.

Step 3: Here’s the fun part. Come up with creative, ridiculous, absurd, crazy and outlandish ideas that you would never do but are just fun to think about and get you laughing. Power struggles become so deadly-dull serious that we lose our sense of humor and therefore our creativity. The purpose of step 3 is to allow you to step back from the problem just a bit and laugh, so you can use your creativity again. I am always amazed at the natural creativity of parents in solving problems.

Step 4: Come up with creative, alternative solutions. Sometimes the seeds for solutions are in the crazy ideas from step 3. Other times, parents are able to find solutions they couldn’t see before.