“We’re like best friends. I tell my mom everything.” This is a parent-teen dynamic sometimes seen in therapy that I refer to as the BFF (Best Friends Forever). Teens are endlessly entertaining–and occasionally it can be fun to “hang out” with your kid and vicariously revel in all her reckless, “Goth-y,” authority-denouncing abandonment, but it should not be a habitual practice. When you treat your child as a peer, the distortion of parental and adolescent roles and boundaries often results in confusion, resentment, and even toxicity in your relationship.

There is a reason that the BFF acronym implies an age imperative commonly associated with the very young. You are not your child’s best friend, and that is why she has a best friend. I laugh when my 8 year-old defiantly states “Oh yeah–well, you’re not my friend then…’” I respond with “You’re darned right I’m not your friend–I’m your Mom!”

Our ultimate job as parents is to set boundaries, lead by example, offer guidance, recognize accomplishments, and provide discipline–which oftentimes consists of less than friendly behavior. Teens are navigating specific developmental tasks such as puberty, sexuality, peer pressure, and social norms, and each requires peer inclusion and feedback as a barometer when testing these treacherous waters. Parental input and support are crucial too, but your time together should not be a substitute for your teen’s involvement with his social group.

Adolescents are still very much concrete thinkers, and are not equipped with the mental and emotional faculties, frame of reference, and judgment to be stand-in adults. While your child may be sensitive, insightful, and mature for his age, it is unfair to burden him with your relationship problems, work-related stress, and economic woes. One possible byproduct of overloading them emotionally is that they may not discuss their problems, and in turn, may repress and/or “act out” some of their unmet needs. A common response I encounter as to why a teen hasn’t talked to mom or dad is “I don’t want to cause any more problems for my parents–they have enough to deal with already.”

Additionally, when a teen is lacking that all-important parental figure, she is left to parent herself. Many young people do not make sound decisions when it comes to rule compliance at home, at school, and in the community. For this reason they should not be entrusted with setting their own schedules, choosing sleep hours, deciding when to do their homework, and maintaining friendships with whomever they want. A pertinent question I ask a parent who defers to her child for decision making is “Based on your child’s current behaviors, do you think she is capable of making a wise decision on this matter?” The answer is usually no. Your teen is counting on you to be a parent now more than ever. It is normal for him to feel out of control internally, and you can help by providing an external safety net where he can express his emotions and fears, and at the same time feel contained by your empathy, guidance, and supervision. Balance can be achieved in your relationship when you communicate openly and authentically, and reinforce consistency and supervision of family rules.

There exists basic ethical guidelines prohibiting surgeons from operating on family members, attorneys from defending their loved ones, and therapists from practicing on their in-laws (!), and the same moral considerations and distinctions should be accorded for the roles of parents and teenagers.

If your teenager is giving you problems and you feel like there is nothing left to try to get them to behave, then you need to change your approach. This article will give you some of the best information out there to turn around the current situation with your child and help to really get through to them and communicate with them. While it is not always easy and sometimes takes a little bit of time, no matter what approach you use, the key is persistence.

Even though many teens share the same kinds of issues, they are all different. You will have to come up with unique ways to deal with your teen’s unique problems, but let’s start by examining some of the more common problems that they have and how to deal with them effectively.

When children become teenagers, they begin to experience peer pressure from all ends. They are pressured into doing things like smoking, doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. With so many different things to worry about and their friends outnumbering parents, what is there to do? One of the best things you can do is to talk with them honestly and openly about whatever issue they are having.

It is not always easy to get your kids to talk to you willingly, but just let them know that you are there for them no matter what they do. Many parents make the all too common mistake of overreacting them their child tells them that they did something like tried a certain drug or smoking.

While it is normal to be disappointed or even angry, it is important that you remain calm and be understanding. You should let them know that you have had experience either with indulging in some of these behaviors or at least being pressured into doing some of them. By doing this you are letting them know that you can relate to them and understand what they’re going through.