A reader writes in to ask: “We faced with some power struggles with our 14 year-old. They just keep getting bigger and bigger. No matter what we try to do it seems he has to fight us for all he’s worth. We don’t want to give in, but we are afraid of what might happen. Do you have any suggestions for how we can successfully take stand without losing the relationship?”

-You have asked a very good question, one that almost every family with teen-agers has to face at some point.

A general rule for parents of teens

Let’s start with a general rule about power struggles and teens:

Once you enter into a power struggle with a teen-ager, you
have already lost. Not because they are more powerful than parents.

Not at all.

It’s simply that once you enter into a power struggle, you may end up winning, but you do so only at the expense of the relationship.

Should we let them do whatever they want?

Am I saying that parents are to back off and just let teens do whatever they want?

Not on your life!

Shift the focus to yourselves

What I am saying is that, as parents, you have to work smarter instead of harder.

The first step involves a shift in your focus. Here’s what I mean:

Simply stated, the shift involves moving from what you want to make your teen do to focusing on what you are going to get yourselves to do as parents.

So how do we do that?

It involves a four-step process that helps you creatively solve parent teen difficulties and have fun doing it. I realize that’s a fairly bold statement. Read on and see what you think.

I call this four-step process Developing Your Parent’s Playbook.(tm) It’s my favorite skill to teach at seminars. Let’s take a look at each of the four steps.

Step 1: Identify the problem

Step 2: Identify one or two solutions you have tried that don’t work, even though it seems they should. This is where most parents get stuck. They keep on doing the same things that don’t work over and over again and expecting different results. The bottom line is this: If it’s not working, it’s not working, and it’s time to try something different.

Step 3: Here’s the fun part. Come up with creative, ridiculous, absurd, crazy and outlandish ideas that you would never do but are just fun to think about and get you laughing. Power struggles become so deadly-dull serious that we lose our sense of humor and therefore our creativity. The purpose of step 3 is to allow you to step back from the problem just a bit and laugh, so you can use your creativity again. I am always amazed at the natural creativity of parents in solving problems.

Step 4: Come up with creative, alternative solutions. Sometimes the seeds for solutions are in the crazy ideas from step 3. Other times, parents are able to find solutions they couldn’t see before.

When you found out that you were going to be a parent, did you feel you were prepared for parenthood? How did you prepare to become a parent? What school did you attend to acquire the best parenting skills? Do you feel you are doing a good job as a parent? It is so unfortunate to know that parenting is one of the areas in our society in which no one is required to get some sort of formal preparation. Most of us go into parenthood blindfolded with no clue as to what’s the best way, approach, or method to raise a child. Did someone take some time to give you some positive parenting tips? Most of us go into parenting following what we learned while growing up. But what if our parents did not implement the best strategies on us? What if during our childhood all we faced was neglect, abuse and lack of love? Is that what we ought to teach our own children?

As a parent you must decide what you want and don’t want for your child. Do you wish for your child to endure the same things you did when you were growing up? Or do you want to provide your little one with a nurturing environment where love, respect, patience and respect dominate everything around him? Many parents do not realize that the problems they face with their children reflect their own lack of skills, strategies and discipline methods. So what is it that you are missing when it comes to raising your little(s) one that is not working? There are several factors such as your approach, methods, attitude, and views that contribute to a child’s bad behavior. Some positive parenting tips can help you understand what you may be missing when educating your little one.

First of all, what is your approach when your child starts crying, doing a temper tantrum, biting, pushing or hitting? The approach you take can seriously determine whether he stops or continues with such bad behavior.

Next, what methods do you use to help your child change or modify his bad behavior? Do you simply get mad and punish him or do you allow him to explain what his problem is? Again, your approach will guide the outcome of your child’s behavior. Some positive parenting tips can make a difference on your approach, view, methods and attitude about raising your child.

Being a parent can bring you satisfaction and despair at the same time. When your child displays the best behavior possible it gives you a feeling of pride and joy. But when your child displays the opposite, it gives a parent a feeling of despair and failure. Any parent can accomplish a great job raising a child. All it takes is the desire to modify ones behavior, attitude and views about child rearing and of course some good positive parenting tips.

Also, what is your view about how you deal with your child’s upbringing? Do you believe that you should follow the same strategies your parents used? Or do you have your own believes and attitudes about how to raise your child? You have to remember that there is a big difference between the time when you were little and now.