Question – We are having increasing difficulty dealing with curfews in our home. Our teenagers want to stay out later and later and it’s hard for us to trust them. What can we do?

Answer – Isn’t it amazing how kids believe that they can have fun only after a certain time of evening (or early morning)?

Curfew ripe for power struggles

Curfew can be an area ripe for power struggles, conflict and frustration. When the subject of curfew comes up, many parents hear the same old refrains:

“Everyone else’s parents let them stay out as long as they want.” (check it out, it’s probably not accurate)

“When I get to be a parent, I’m going to let my kids stay out as late as they want.” (right)

If not handled properly, curfew can become a battleground with the parents playing warden to the teenage inmates, and kids sneaking out and/ or not coming home in order to “prove” their independence.

Control vs. management

Curfew can also be an area that can illustrate a useful model for managaging the teenage years.

Many times when parents phone me about a teenager, they say something like, “I can’t seem to control my kid.”

The problem here is one of control vs. management. Trying to control a teenager is like trying to make a gorilla wear pants:

It’s only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla angry.

When we teach our children to feel good about themselves, we teach them how to handle life’s disappointments.

When they do things right, acknowledge it.

Find one or two things about what they did to complement. Don’t go overboard on the praise or they may not believe you are sincere. Simply point out one or two things that you liked about what they did.

Tell them they should be happy about their accomplishment.

This is one trick that most parents miss. We want our kids to learn to look to themselves for validation. We do not want them doing things to make others happy. So lets include one simple sentence in our praise. “You must be very proud of yourself.” or “I’ll bet you are happy with your performance.”

By including a simple sentence that guides them to feel good, your children learn to look to themselves for validation.

Acknowledge their mistakes – but don’t dwell on them.

Be honest. If they tried something and failed, acknowledge the failure, but point out at least one thing they did right in their attempt. “Yes, the house you built with blocks fell down, but I really liked the colors you chose. Let’s try again.” or “I know your shoe came untied, but I’ll bet you are really proud of the fact that you tied them all by yourself today!” or “Yes, you did miss the game winning basket. but you should be proud of the two three point shots you did make.”

These three tips will go a long way in teaching your children to look inside themselves for validation and to shrug off the failures and try again.

Not only are you teaching your children to feel good about themselves, you are strengthening your relationship with them. Your children are seeing you as a loving parent who truly cares how they feel. Even the busiest parents can take a few seconds to teach their children how to feel good about themselves.

The work you do while your children are small will make a world of difference when they become teenagers. If they view you as caring and supportive, they will continue to trust you as they grow older. If they view you as critical and unsupportive, they will look to others to give advice when they reach their teens. Who do you want to guide your teenager – you or your teenager’s friends.

Parenting is easier than most parents think.

Many families are not good at solving their problems because they move into drama as soon as one person disagrees with another. Many families avoid bringing up important issues because they know it will escalate into a full blown drama.

In some families it is the children who blow up and cause the drama – causing the parents to lose control of the discussion. In other families, the children are the quiet ones while the parent(s) take a discussion into a drama.

Following the steps below, you can solve your family’s problems faster, easier – and without all the drama.

1. Identify the problem.

Start by simply stating the problem. Remember to keep it from being an accusation.

Example:

“You keep forgetting to take the garbage out.”  (Accusation)

“I don’t like the garbage piling up in the kitchen. Can we talk about a solution to this?” (Problem solving)

2. Listen.

There may be reasons you aren’t aware of. Allow your family to talk without fear that you will blow up at their reply. Never make fun of their reasons or their suggestions for solutions.

If you want them to participate in future problem solving, show respect.

3. Agree on a plan.

After you have made several suggestions for a solution and have listened to their suggestion, agree on one plan that will work.

If you can’t agree, don’t escalate the discussion into an argument. Table it for tomorrow. Simply say: “I don’t think we are going to reach an agreement today. Let’s sleep on this and talk about it again tomorrow.”

As I say in my Parenting Class, never tack the work “OK” at the end of your request. That only gives an opening to come up with a reason not to. If you find yourself ending your requests with “OK?”, practice requesting without using that word.

4. Appreciate efforts.

Once you have agreed on a solution, appreciate efforts. Your kids might not be perfect every time, but try to point out when they do good.

If they only do part of the agreed upon solution, try to find a way to show that you appreciate the effort and find one good thing to point out, but let them know that you still expect the task completed.

Example:

“I see that you took the garbage out. I appreciate that. I still expect a new bag to be placed in the bin.”

Practice solving problems using this technique and before you know it, your children will look forward to problem solving with you. Why shouldn’t they? If you follow these simple instructions, your children are getting your full attention AND you are showing them respect. Something every child craves.

You can learn how to make raising your children more enjoyable with a Parenting Class.

If you think parenting one child drives you to the nearest
Starbucks for a double espresso latte, try parenting two. See if you can relate to this article on parenting:

The day my twin daughters were born was the proudest day of
my life. I was a celebrity in the hospital while I recovered
from my labor. Little did I know that the days, months and
years ahead would have me crying, screaming, threatening and
sometimes regretting bringing these children into the world.

I was a young mother just out of college with a bright future
and big plans. When I discovered that I was pregnant, I put
some of those big plans on hold to be become the perfect
parent to my perfect little angels. I spent the first four years of their lives catering
to their ever whim. We went to parks, amusement arcades,
the zoo. We participated in all the Mom and tot activities
at the YMCA. It was a wonderful time for all of us.

The problems started in junior high school. One day I
visited the school,unannounced, signed in at the office
and was allowed to walk around the school to find my precious
darlings. What a found was not one but two “little floozy(s)” dressed
in skin-tight jeans with mascara and eyeliner so thick that
they resembled twin raccoons. I was mortified and embarrassed.

Not only were they changing clothes when they arrived
at school, they were changing their behavior. Their
Behavior was not good. My little darlings were out of control.

I was livid. That night my rage could not be controled.
I threatened them. I screamed at them and cried. It was
this moment that I regretted ever bringing them into the world.
For the next week, I barely spoke to them. I did
not prepare a meal for them nor did I provide
any spending money for their little extras.

I did not know what to do. At work the next
day, I cried on my friend’s shoulder. She led me
to a breakthrough that changed all
of our lives. A summary of some of the things
she told me I still use to deal with my children.

1) Do not try to be a friend to your children
but treat them as if they were your friend.
Always be the parent. Parent your children
with respect and value their opinions. You don’t scream at your friends, you don’t
berate them or threaten. offer constructive
criticism. Always try to couch your tone and
the words you use with a true concern for their
feelings.

2) The key to getting your children to listen
to you is – listen to them.

3) Always know who their friends are. Make it
a point to observe your children with their
friends. You will get a better insight
into how your children behave when you are
not around.

4) When your children talk about what their
friends are doing… they are really talking
about themselves. Offer advice as if you
are talking about their friend… not to them.

5) Build a relationship with each child
individually and then collectively.

6) Teach little acts of kindness These kind
thoughts and action accumulate over time.
Kindess forms a shield around the relationship
for the hard knocks that are sure to come.

7) Demand that they get involved with an
extra curricular activity. Then make the
same demand of yourself to get involved
With their school, activity, or club.

Being a parent takes work. The challenges
and conflicts in our parent-child relationship
did not change overnight. But the conflicts
diminished and our relationship did change
for the better.

Imagine what it would be like to have a future in which all your children grow up to be responsible adults and contributing members of society. Positive parenting is the approach to parenting that invests in kids and believes best supports all aspects of healthy child development. It helps create a lifelong warm, respectful and loving relationship between parent and child and most of all will help teach parents how to reward for good behavior and also help parents and children have a positive relationship.

To help achieve that goal, I’d like to provide the following positive parenting tips:

1. Learn how children develop and know your unique child. When it comes to your child, the real expert is you, the parent. Know all areas of your child’s development — physical, intellectual, social, emotional and moral — and remember there is nothing to be ashamed of if your child needs special help to progress at his or her own best rate.

2. All parents need to be their child’s first source of information. Start encouraging your children to ask questions now because it makes it easier for them to ask questions when they are older. Answer your child’s questions with honesty and openness so you can create a relationship of mutual trust and respect that can prevent your child from developing unsafe habits or taking unnecessary risks.

3. Many parents too often made the mistake of comparing children with their siblings or their friend’s kids. Doing so, damage a child’s self esteem. A better approach is to learn to cherish your child’s individuality. Support your child’s interests and talents. Try to spend time alone with each of your children every day. Praise your children’s differences and avoid comparing them or asking why they can’t be like someone else.

4. Make time for family activities have a positive impact on children and the memory it creates is priceless. It creates a sense of belonging to the children when their families take time to engage in common activities such as having meals together and sharing tasks and responsibilities, taking family vacations. Use family time to discuss need and feelings, to solve problems and promote cooperation.