As I mention in many of my articles, being the parent of a teenager can be like walking a fine line at all times. It is a constant balancing act between wanting to protect your teen from bad decisions and harm and wanting them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of these decisions. Obviously when your children are younger you can control much more of what goes on in their lives. You can better control their environment and they are very open to your making a lot of their decisions for them. This is clearly not the case with teenagers.

In this article, I will review four parenting styles described in the book Love and Logic. The first three are often used by parents of teenagers but are not considered to be the most effective. The last style is considered by many to be the most effective parenting style for parents of teens.

1. Helicopter Parents
If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise. Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children.

These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents. The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

2. Drill Sergeant Parents
If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

3. The Laissez-Faire Parent
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

4. The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before. Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

Which type of parent do you think you are and could you create more situations where you behave in the role of a consultant?

Much of the information for this article was taken from Parenting Teens With Love & Logic (2006) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

Attachment parenting is getting a lot of media frenzy these days, but many parents are still unaware of the whole meaning of the term. Attachment parenting was initiated by renowned pediatrician, Dr. William Sears, together with his spouse, Martha – a term that describes a very responsive and nurturing style of raising a child.

Dr. Sears and his wife see attachment parenting as a style that helps promote the bonding relationship of parent and child emotionally through physical bonding. This is achieved through what Dr. Sears calls as the “Baby Bs” – breastfeeding, bonding, bedsharing, babywearing, and boundary building.

Advocates of attachment parenting encourage parents, especially mothers, to carry their baby and respond to him/her as needed, during the first early weeks of the baby’s life. Contrary to the age-old belief to let babies “cry it out” so as not to spoil him/her, a baby’s cry is an effective survival tool that babies use to convey their needs, which should not be ignored

Breastfeeding has long been seen as an excellent means of creating a bond between mother and child, but on top of that, breastmilk is the best source of nutrition for your baby from birth to sixth month. Breastfeeding ensures that mothers hold their babies frequently and constantly, for mothers who are exclusively breastfeeding. It also fosters the biological need for babies to keep constant contact with his/her mother as a transition from the womb to a baby’s first breath of air.

Bedsharing and babywearing are both physical means to keep babies in close contact with a parent. Bedsharing is achieved in many ways, which for some parents, depend on the available bedroom furniture. There are parents who lay mattresses on the floor just to achieve this. Babywearing is using a baby carrier when bringing your baby along for a walk. However, other attachment parenting advocates would contest using baby carriers when babies prefer to be carried on strollers. Nonetheless, bedsharing and babywearing are two ways to promote emotional closeness.

Expectedly, attachment parenting holds on to employing age-appropriate, gentle discipline to teach their children manners, and basic “rights” and “wrongs” – boundary building. In that case, attachment parents would rather keep dangerous objects (such as breakables) out of reach of a toddler than telling the toddler not to play with it, realizing the consequences are is incomprehensible for the toddler. The crux is for parents to provide guidance, be role models, reward good behavior, and enforce gentle punishments.

Attachment parenting, does not necessarily included the “Baby B’s”, and that Dr. Sears only uses them as tools in order for parents to get to know their babies and respond to their needs instinctively, while inculcating family values and fostering good family relationships.