As I mention in many of my articles, being the parent of a teenager can be like walking a fine line at all times. It is a constant balancing act between wanting to protect your teen from bad decisions and harm and wanting them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of these decisions. Obviously when your children are younger you can control much more of what goes on in their lives. You can better control their environment and they are very open to your making a lot of their decisions for them. This is clearly not the case with teenagers.

In this article, I will review four parenting styles described in the book Love and Logic. The first three are often used by parents of teenagers but are not considered to be the most effective. The last style is considered by many to be the most effective parenting style for parents of teens.

1. Helicopter Parents
If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise. Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children.

These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents. The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

2. Drill Sergeant Parents
If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

3. The Laissez-Faire Parent
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

4. The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before. Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

Which type of parent do you think you are and could you create more situations where you behave in the role of a consultant?

Much of the information for this article was taken from Parenting Teens With Love & Logic (2006) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

Learning to talk is one of the most complicated skills humans learn, and knowing how to get your baby off to a good start is one thing that worries people about infant parenting. Is there anything special I can do? Does television help? Should I ignore ‘baby talk’? These are all questions parents ask themselves when trying to find the best way to deal with this aspect of infant parenting. To help with this, here are a few tips:

Infant parenting can be a daunting prospect, but when it comes to helping your baby to talk it can be fun. Babies are listening before they are born. They will recognize your voice, so don’t be afraid to use it. Babies seek out faces even a few minutes after birth, so stick out your tongue or open your mouth – they may copy sooner than you think and it is all good preparation for talking.

As your baby becomes more expressive and starts to make coos and other noises, repeat them back. Look at her while you are doing it so she can see your face. Even if you feel foolish at not making sense, it is teaching your child communication skills; and communication is a key part of infant parenting. When your child is a few months older and ready to start making talking noises she will start moving her mouth a lot. Respond to this too, say something like “That’s funny” or “That’s a nice thing to say”. This helps encourage your baby to continue because she is getting a positive response.

Middle of the night feeds might not be fun, but that doesn’t mean there is no fun in infant parenting. Helping your baby to learn to talk can definitely be fun. Even tiny babies can be played with: try counting toes and fingers, or play tickling games with them, talking while you are doing it. Singing to your baby is also great and it doesn’t matter what you sound like – they love hearing their parents’ voices. Use the TV to help you. Experts agree that too much TV is bad for children, but there is nothing wrong with watching suitable programs with young children and infants. In fact it can be really helpful, as programs aimed at the youngest children are full of techniques to help them communicate. Talk to your infant about what is happening on the TV, not only will they have the benefit of what is on the screen but you will also be helping them communicate.

All the time, talk about what you are doing, the things around you, and what your baby shows interest in. If he starts pointing at cars, talk about the cars. Answer the noises and nonsense talk as if it is a real conversation, looking at your child as much as you can while you are talking to them. Start reading him books and talking about the pictures; that will get him interested in books as well as talking. Involved, communicative infant parenting is vital if you want to raise a communicative child.

With confident use of these ideas, your infant parenting skills will be giving your baby the best start possible in learning to talk.

For more tips on parenting refer to my free e-book “New Parenting Style” on http://www.newparentingstyle.com/index.html.

Children have their own minds and so it’s only normal that they express their thoughts and feelings in different ways. For parents, defiant children can pose a big challenge especially when their behavior becomes more difficult and disruptive both in the home and in school.

It’s only normal to encounter defiant children at a certain stage. During the so-called “terrible two’s” and just when your child has reached the phase when he wants to insist on having his way, you will have your hands full, trying to get the kid to behave himself. Understand that it is only natural for a child to manifest independence-seeking behavior at certain points in his life. This only becomes a cause for concern when kids turn into oppositional defiant children, when the behavior becomes disruptive and when the outbursts happen all too frequently over a certain period of time.

Oppositional defiant behavior usually starts at age two and can continue to worsen if not addressed. In school, oppositional defiant children tend to have much difficulty interacting with other children and often face rejection because of their attitudes. Defiant children start by violating the rules at home and then move on to the rules in school unless the disorder is treated.

Defiant kids should be dealt with as soon as possible to make sure that they donít carry the oppositional behavior when they grow up. Research show that parenting techniques geared at treating oppositional defiant children are more likely to work when the child is below the age of ten.

Parents with defiant children will naturally feel frustrated. Overwhelmed, many parents resort to severe punishment, but nothing seems to work. This is exactly where the problem lies. While severe consequences might seem appropriate, outcome has a lot to do with the immediacy of delivery. Consequences to misdemeanors should be delivered within a few seconds following the act instead of waiting minutes or hours to act.

It is essential to be consistent in giving out consequences when dealing with oppositional defiant children. Most parents tend to tolerate a bad attitude until they can’t take it anymore, at which point they overreact and start lashing out at the child.

Nip the problem in the bud by responding to poor behavior promptly. Don’t wait for your patience to run out.

Learning how to change your parenting techniques is important especially if what you’re doing is not working. You can’t teach your child to respect the rules when you’re focused on your frustration. Outbursts are just aggravated by frustrated parents so always maintain a calm front when you deal with a defiant child.

To learn how to change your parenting strategies, a good behavioral program specifically designed for defiant children will help. Studies show that behavioral techniques used at home are more effective because both the parent and the child learn how to change their behavior in productive ways. Best of all, their relationship improves as they learn how to work together to overcome oppositional defiant behavior.

Success without fulfilment equals failure and a lot of our pain comes from one or more of the six not being met. Now the good thing about that is; you’re about to learn what those 6 needs are as well as some options for ensuring that you are meeting your own needs and then helping to meet your children’s needs (remember the aircraft scenario, where you put your own mask on before you put the mask on of others.)

We can sometimes look at the challenges we have with ourselves, our children and partner as a problem and get bogged down in the pain or we can focus on creating an opportunity to learn, grow and develop our relationship. You may also find that as you resolve your own needs those of your children may be met and therefore the issue disappears. There’s this theory, and it is only a theory, that the world around you, is a bit like a mirror and it reflects what is going on within you. So theoretically if you clear “stuff” up within yourself by meeting your needs then some of the issues that are faced by those you love may also disappear. Mmmmmm, interesting stuff.

Now I know that that may sound like new age hippy stuff about embracing problems and being at one with the world. The thing is sometimes it’s not about what you are doing; it’s about who you are BEING. We learn more from our mistakes in life than from our successes. It’s not what is going on in your life, but how you respond to it that counts; it’s about BEING response-able.

It’s interesting that as you learn about the 6 needs you will instantly recognise in your life when the need is not being met. How? Well normally we will ‘act out’, and that’s you as well as your children, when our needs are not met. It’s interesting, especially when you start to look at your children and their behaviour, then look at what is going on when they are ‘acting out’ that you can start to recognise that one or more needs are not being met. You can then start to help your child meet their needs in a more ecological (good for them, your family and the wider world) way.

The thing is Parenthood is one of those things that didn’t come with a handbook. Some people didn’t even apply for the job and yet here you are responsible for the wellbeing and development of another one, or more, human beings. Now that used to scare the living daylights out of me; now it only scares me a little bit;). The reason being is sometimes it’s not about getting it right all the time, it’s not about doing the right thing and being politically correct all the time, the key is your intention behind the action.

Children of any age can see through adults like we are made of glass and if your intentions are misplaced then they will see right through you. It’s better to be up front and honest than to try and manipulate your children into doing something. Now I know that sometimes we don’t tell our children the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth, because it’s also our job to protect them from ‘stuff’ that may be going on in the family, whether it is financial worries, relationship problems or anything else. Just remember be as honest as you can. Be yourself and stop trying to be the perfect parent, whatever that happens to be. One of my sons said to me when he was about three…”Mum, you’re the best mum in the world” and yes I felt rather smug…then he said “Auntie Shirley is the best mum in the world for Jessica and Auntie Linda is the best mum in the world for Lewis, because we picked you to be our mum”. Talk about being insightful! You are the best mum or dad for your child, so stop trying to get it right and start having fun and play around with being the best parent you can be. Oh and when you do make a mistake, apologise, there’s nothing like being a good role model. We expect our children to apologise and sometimes forget to do so ourselves.

It’s important to remember that how you go about getting your needs met will either empower or dis-empower you. There are two ways to have the tallest building in the world; you can build one yourself or tear everyone else’s down.

Fulfilment is where you do things that are VERY IMPORTANT, BUT NOT URGENT. Satisfying your needs contains all of the actions that we “never get to” because we are “so busy”. So as you read through the upcoming e:mails, think about how you can have your needs met and think about you can help your child meet their needs; and here’s the thing, I want you to commit to making the time to make the changes and to take action. Can you do that? Yes? Great. No, then maybe your not ready to make the change…. yet.