If you are the parent of a disrespectful or violent teen, your life is probably different than most parents. You are probably experiencing high levels of stress and frustration. You may be angry at your inability to resolve the problems with your teen. You may begin to question your parenting skills.

It’s likely that if you are the parent of disrespectful or violent teen that you feel as though you have nowhere to turn and no resources available to help you resolve the problems. When you have a disrespectful or violent teen, everything in your life can be tense. There is no “down time” because you are often running from one fire to another, from school behavior issues to family fights to violence to rule-breaking. It’s enough to make the best of parents want to tear out their hair.

There is hope, though, and it’s important that before you get to the point where you are no longer a healthy, functioning parent, that you reach for that help for your disrespectful or violent teen and for yourself.

One of the best resources parents have for their disrespectful or violent teens is the school. Your school’s counselor can be not only a resource but a source of referral to other resources in your community. When you are concerned about your teen’s out of control behavior, you may want to either deny it or try to hide it, but the best thing you can do is be up front about what is happening. You are not a failure just because you cannot find the right answers for your teen.

If the help you receive from your teen’s school counselor isn’t enough, there are still many other resources. Because it is difficult to tell what is causing your disrespectful or violent teen to behave the way he or she is behaving, it can be helpful to start with your family doctor or pediatrician. Your doctor can eliminate medical causes as well as potential drug and alcohol related behaviors. Your doctor can also refer your teen for additional evaluations with specialists if needed, and help you identify issues. Many times, your family doctor or pediatrician will also have other ideas about where you can go to get help.

Although the stigma is not what it used to be, many people hesitate to seek mental health treatment for their disrespectful or violent teen for fear of being labeled. Mental health services, however, provide you with a vast array of services for your disrespectful or violent teen. Depending on the circumstances of your situation, they can provide outpatient counseling for your teen, you, and your family. If the situation is dangerous or your teen needs more intensive services, they often have inpatient programs as well.

Often, all you need to make it through another day is someone to tell you that you are a good parent, that you are doing everything you can do, and that the stress and anguish you are feeling as a result of your disrespectful or violent teen will not last forever. Don’t give up before you reach out. There is help for you, no matter what your situation.

Question – We are having increasing difficulty dealing with curfews in our home. Our teenagers want to stay out later and later and it’s hard for us to trust them. What can we do?

Answer – Isn’t it amazing how kids believe that they can have fun only after a certain time of evening (or early morning)?

Curfew ripe for power struggles

Curfew can be an area ripe for power struggles, conflict and frustration. When the subject of curfew comes up, many parents hear the same old refrains:

“Everyone else’s parents let them stay out as long as they want.” (check it out, it’s probably not accurate)

“When I get to be a parent, I’m going to let my kids stay out as late as they want.” (right)

If not handled properly, curfew can become a battleground with the parents playing warden to the teenage inmates, and kids sneaking out and/ or not coming home in order to “prove” their independence.

Control vs. management

Curfew can also be an area that can illustrate a useful model for managaging the teenage years.

Many times when parents phone me about a teenager, they say something like, “I can’t seem to control my kid.”

The problem here is one of control vs. management. Trying to control a teenager is like trying to make a gorilla wear pants:

It’s only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla angry.