One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one that says, “Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict.” You will hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this myth.

The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage “rebellion” is normal;
2. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal it is to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal, teenagers who do not rebel are “not normal,” and will certainly have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must rebel;

The Conclusion to this logic is that “Rebellion today equals healthy living tomorrow.” Therefore, Rebellion is simply an investment in the future!

However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is “common” does not make it “normal.” By “common” we mean a behavior that is observed often; “Normal” means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse “normal” with “common.”

Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against authority, against their parents.

Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager’s attempt to “grow up” and become more “independent.”

Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation’s government.

Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home; the attempt by the teenager to make himself “King” in his own life; the rejection by the teenager of his parent’s values and beliefs.

In every layer of human society God has instituted a system of “government” or a “chain of command structure.” These systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages, families, and the church. Every social organization, or social system, has an organization that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for the enforcement of values among its members, and provides leadership.

The family is important to our society, as it provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with a model of appropriate behavior.

In America, the leading causes of teenage rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture (especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies, and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.

Work with your teen, spend time with your teen, and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and attention invested in his or her life.

Child rearing is an experience that makes adults out of grown-up children, called parents. As soon as a child is added in the life of a couple, everything changes. Suddenly, the baby becomes the focus of their lives. Everything revolves around the needs of the baby. The first formative years, from age birth upto five years lay the foundation of the whole life of a child. Mistakes made in child rearing during this time can sometimes be irreversible.

One of the fundamental principles of parenting is to appreciate the needs of a baby. If the needs are misunderstood, the responses of the parents will lead to damage in the bond between the baby and the mother. One of the earliest needs of the baby are- food, sleep, being clean and a sense of safety. Once these needs are met, the baby is a happy baby. The first three needs are physical but the need to feel safe is where there is a difference of opinion among experts. In cultures, where babies are free to sleep with parents and where the mother is available to cling to during any time of the day, the baby feels safe. In cultures where babies are made to sleep in separate rooms, and most of the waking life is spent in creches, there is a shift in the baby’s perception of safe relationships.

Spending time in creches has the advantage of bonding with different person/s other than the mother, which may be looked at as the start of making the individual independent. But the frequent change in caregivers gives confusing messages to the subconscious. The more the changes in the number of caregivers involving less touch, the more the nervous system feels unstimulated. At the end of the day, the baby’s needs for safety are prime after feeding and cleaning has been done. Touch plays a major role in providing the baby, a sense of safety. The more the tender touch is available, the safer the baby feels. Sensorial satiation is what makes a child grow up to be a stable individual.

When a baby does not get sensorial satisfaction, then the baby starts to develop various problems, one of which is hyperactivity. In my own observations, a child who has had the kind of touch that is available to a child reared full time by a mother in India or in Nigeria, he or she is likely to be more stable emotionally. In this case the behaviour can be easily controlled because the nervous system has absorbed the sense of safety in the subconscious. The hyperactivity happens because the nervous system has not reached its level of satisfaction. Children in India are of lesser weight than a baby born in Western Europe. Yet they develop motor skills like crawling and walking and talking earlier than children in the Westren countries. My conclusion is that the sense of safety by touch by mother is the key to this difference. In India, in families in which the baby gets touch -experiences the whole day by family members, even if the mother may be working, motor skills are learnt earlier.

As the baby grows up to understand language, the next step is to teach the baby ways of life. A normal baby who feels well loved, will behave well and will not show any problem behaviour. Any reprimand by the parent, by a well bonded child, is taken seriously and obeyed. The more the child feels loved, the less are the chances of misbehaviour.Love is the best foundation for discipline.

When a child is to be reprimanded, it needs to be done immediately after an event and not ten minutes later. A child has a short memory span. So correction has to be immediate. This way the child can learn to associate the event with the consequences. It is important to let a child know what the expected conduct needs to be rather than giving out for undesirable behaviour.

Spanking or beating is not needed to correct a child. They are counter-productive. If you want a behaviour to discontinue, let the child know of its consequences. For example, if you do not want a toddler to go near a burning candle, then you have to hold the child’s hand and bring it to a safe distance from the flame, so that the child can feel the heat. Once a child knows the fire can burn, they will not go near the flame. Such experiences demand hard work and alertness on the part of a parent. But it is worth it if you want a healthy and well adjusted happy adult as a child.

Experience teaches a child. Words do not mean much, till they are associated with experience. In order for a child to learn, every mistake and its consequences have to be explained in simple language without going into too much details. And everything needs to be based on truth. If a child observes parents being untruthful in any area of life, no matter what you tell them about truth, they will learn to be untruthful.

Copyright Pradeep K Chadha 2006