Law of Belonging – One of the greatest needs of teenagers (after music, screen time and the phone) is a strong sense of belonging. They need to feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. And guess what? If they do not get this need met in a healthy place, they will begin to look for ways to get this need met anywhere else they can find it.

Law of Power – Once you’ve entered into a power struggle with a teenager, you’ve already lost. It’s like the closing line “War Games”, “Interesting game, the only winning move is not to play”.

Law of Control – Trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It’s just going to frustrate you and really irritate the gorilla. Not a great way to live day to day.

Law of Management – A management approach puts the parents clearly in charge. The goal is to eventually manage them out of your lives, and into their own.

Law of Voice – In a well functioning family, the teens almost always get a voice. They just don’t always get a vote. Consistently violate either side of this equation and you’ve got trouble.

Punishment is often done out of anger and is usually for the parent.

Punishment breeds resentment and a desire for revenge.

Teens have many creative ways to get you back.

Law of Consequences – Consequences teach teens about the real world. In general they need to be related, reasonable, respectful, swift, strong and short-term.

Law of Structure – Parents need to set boundaries & structure from day one. If you don’t do it while they are young, what makes you think they will obey curfew when they have a car?

Law of W’s – When teens are gone from home, parents need to know who they are with, where they are going, what they will be doing and what time they will be back.

Law of 20 Feet – The law of 20 feet states that at a certain age, you must walk at least 20 feet away from your teen if you are in a public place. Thirty feet if you’re in the mall.

As I mention in many of my articles, being the parent of a teenager can be like walking a fine line at all times. It is a constant balancing act between wanting to protect your teen from bad decisions and harm and wanting them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of these decisions. Obviously when your children are younger you can control much more of what goes on in their lives. You can better control their environment and they are very open to your making a lot of their decisions for them. This is clearly not the case with teenagers.

In this article, I will review four parenting styles described in the book Love and Logic. The first three are often used by parents of teenagers but are not considered to be the most effective. The last style is considered by many to be the most effective parenting style for parents of teens.

1. Helicopter Parents
If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise. Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children.

These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents. The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

2. Drill Sergeant Parents
If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

3. The Laissez-Faire Parent
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

4. The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before. Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

Which type of parent do you think you are and could you create more situations where you behave in the role of a consultant?

Much of the information for this article was taken from Parenting Teens With Love & Logic (2006) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

It is not always easy being a parent. We teach our children how to treat us. And often from an early age they have us wrapped around their small fingers.

So we are not unfairly taken advantage of we as parents must set boundaries early on. Without these our children will run wild. Today parents seem more lenient – certainly more so than our own parents. Too much freedom can actually harm our children.

By setting boundaries, we are letting our children know exactly what we expect of them. And what we disapprove of. Yes our children may very well kick and scream but it is in our own best interests (and theirs) to set boundaries and then consistently reinforce them.

Children feel safe when boundaries are set. Yes they will test you and you must be firm and unrelenting. Once you let your guard down once, you have lost some self respect and will be walked all over.

Setting boundaries for every routines are essential to ensure peaceful every-day living. Where your children can and cannot eat in the house. What time they must go to bed. How they are expected to behave are three general boundaries that must be set.

The trick in setting these rules is to not make them sound like rules. Explain why that particular boundary is set and why it is in their best interest. For example you can talk about their bed-time as being essential to have enough energy to wake up early the next morning and start playing.

State that so-and-so child goes to bed earlier than them and they are lucky to be able to stay up later than them. Tell your children stories about what it was like when you are their age. Children enjoy listening to these – especially when it makes them feel better about their circumstance.

Have consequences if they do not adhere to the boundary. And make sure you carry out what you threaten to do. That way your child knows you are serious and will think twice about pushing the boundary next time.

Being firm and loving is the key in setting and reinforcing boundaries with your child.

As children grow from childhood into adolescence, it’s important for parents to remember what the purpose of parenting and the purpose of adolescence is all about.

The purpose of parenting

Parenting is one of those rare jobs in which one of the primary goals is to work yourself out of a job. One way this is done is by teaching the adolescent how to be more and more in charge of himself.

In no way am I saying that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. As a matter of fact, there are times when teens need more attention and structure than do younger children. There are times when parents tend to over structure the time of children and understructure the time of adolescents.

Controlling vs. managing teens

The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teenager is all in how you approach the situation.

A management approach meets these six key criteria:

1. The parents are clearly in charge.

2. The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more in charge of himself.

3. There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility.

4. The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen.

5. There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that he cannot be in charge of himself.

6. There is a map for how to earn back trust and responsibility when it is lost.

Children have their own minds and so it’s only normal that they express their thoughts and feelings in different ways. For parents, defiant children can pose a big challenge especially when their behavior becomes more difficult and disruptive both in the home and in school.

It’s only normal to encounter defiant children at a certain stage. During the so-called “terrible two’s” and just when your child has reached the phase when he wants to insist on having his way, you will have your hands full, trying to get the kid to behave himself. Understand that it is only natural for a child to manifest independence-seeking behavior at certain points in his life. This only becomes a cause for concern when kids turn into oppositional defiant children, when the behavior becomes disruptive and when the outbursts happen all too frequently over a certain period of time.

Oppositional defiant behavior usually starts at age two and can continue to worsen if not addressed. In school, oppositional defiant children tend to have much difficulty interacting with other children and often face rejection because of their attitudes. Defiant children start by violating the rules at home and then move on to the rules in school unless the disorder is treated.

Defiant kids should be dealt with as soon as possible to make sure that they donít carry the oppositional behavior when they grow up. Research show that parenting techniques geared at treating oppositional defiant children are more likely to work when the child is below the age of ten.

Parents with defiant children will naturally feel frustrated. Overwhelmed, many parents resort to severe punishment, but nothing seems to work. This is exactly where the problem lies. While severe consequences might seem appropriate, outcome has a lot to do with the immediacy of delivery. Consequences to misdemeanors should be delivered within a few seconds following the act instead of waiting minutes or hours to act.

It is essential to be consistent in giving out consequences when dealing with oppositional defiant children. Most parents tend to tolerate a bad attitude until they can’t take it anymore, at which point they overreact and start lashing out at the child.

Nip the problem in the bud by responding to poor behavior promptly. Don’t wait for your patience to run out.

Learning how to change your parenting techniques is important especially if what you’re doing is not working. You can’t teach your child to respect the rules when you’re focused on your frustration. Outbursts are just aggravated by frustrated parents so always maintain a calm front when you deal with a defiant child.

To learn how to change your parenting strategies, a good behavioral program specifically designed for defiant children will help. Studies show that behavioral techniques used at home are more effective because both the parent and the child learn how to change their behavior in productive ways. Best of all, their relationship improves as they learn how to work together to overcome oppositional defiant behavior.