Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they’d probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn’t a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like “I’m still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school.”

Why do they act this way? What’s behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call “individuation.” They are coming into their own true – separate – selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically – and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you’re sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly “perfect,” truly “adored.” When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their “mean” behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that “perfection” is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they’re testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you’ll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts – even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent “safety” in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to “mother” as the “standard to which she aspires and struggles against.” So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents’ feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney

© 2004

Children have their own minds and so it’s only normal that they express their thoughts and feelings in different ways. For parents, defiant children can pose a big challenge especially when their behavior becomes more difficult and disruptive both in the home and in school.

It’s only normal to encounter defiant children at a certain stage. During the so-called “terrible two’s” and just when your child has reached the phase when he wants to insist on having his way, you will have your hands full, trying to get the kid to behave himself. Understand that it is only natural for a child to manifest independence-seeking behavior at certain points in his life. This only becomes a cause for concern when kids turn into oppositional defiant children, when the behavior becomes disruptive and when the outbursts happen all too frequently over a certain period of time.

Oppositional defiant behavior usually starts at age two and can continue to worsen if not addressed. In school, oppositional defiant children tend to have much difficulty interacting with other children and often face rejection because of their attitudes. Defiant children start by violating the rules at home and then move on to the rules in school unless the disorder is treated.

Defiant kids should be dealt with as soon as possible to make sure that they donít carry the oppositional behavior when they grow up. Research show that parenting techniques geared at treating oppositional defiant children are more likely to work when the child is below the age of ten.

Parents with defiant children will naturally feel frustrated. Overwhelmed, many parents resort to severe punishment, but nothing seems to work. This is exactly where the problem lies. While severe consequences might seem appropriate, outcome has a lot to do with the immediacy of delivery. Consequences to misdemeanors should be delivered within a few seconds following the act instead of waiting minutes or hours to act.

It is essential to be consistent in giving out consequences when dealing with oppositional defiant children. Most parents tend to tolerate a bad attitude until they can’t take it anymore, at which point they overreact and start lashing out at the child.

Nip the problem in the bud by responding to poor behavior promptly. Don’t wait for your patience to run out.

Learning how to change your parenting techniques is important especially if what you’re doing is not working. You can’t teach your child to respect the rules when you’re focused on your frustration. Outbursts are just aggravated by frustrated parents so always maintain a calm front when you deal with a defiant child.

To learn how to change your parenting strategies, a good behavioral program specifically designed for defiant children will help. Studies show that behavioral techniques used at home are more effective because both the parent and the child learn how to change their behavior in productive ways. Best of all, their relationship improves as they learn how to work together to overcome oppositional defiant behavior.

Research suggests that parental involvement is a key ingredient to support success in school.   But lots of parents don’t feel qualified to tackle the responsibility of teaching and wonder what they can do to help.  Following are some things you can do and talk about to help your kids succeed–and feel good about it.

1) Make learning relevant–Make sure your child sees what he’s learning reflected in the “real” world. Ask questions. Find out what interested him/her during school lessons…then find examples related to those topics of interest and expand your conversation. Look for real world stories on the internet, at the library or in the newspaper or magazines. By supplementing their at-school learning experience at home, you’re expanding their vision and promoting the idea that more info can be fun–and that what they learn is relevant.

2) Be cautious about how you talk about “learning” and “education” with your kids and around them. Kids inherit your attitudes and ideas about everything–they listen, they watch and they accept your beliefs as truth. It is important to avoid negative statements (i.e. how you had “difficulty in school” and that “teachers are unfair”). Instead, share your positive experiences in learning (i.e. how something you learned was useful or remembering your favorite teacher or an inspiring experience in school).

3) Model goal-setting behaviors. Kids are usually pretty “immediate”. They live in the moment and can’t always see the value of long-term goals–and sometimes they lose patience.   When you talk about your own goals and how long-term planning helped you achieve your goals (and how much better off you are as a result), you’re demonstrating a pattern of behavior and thinking. If you talk without lecturing, kids will hear your stories and (without effort) assume your attitude as “the way we do things in our family”.

4) Demonstrate your commitment to your child’s success. Be sure you’ve supplied the “tools” for success: purchase a calendar or to-do list notebook to help him/her keep on schedule; dedicate a quiet, comfortable and well-lit space for home-work;  maintain (and re-supply as necessary) a handy assortment of school/study supplies (paper, pencils, etc).

5) Organize your living space to reserve a special area for your child’s school papers. Dedicate a shelf or table top for books, backpack, school communications, lunch money, etc. When school materials are blatantly kept in a prominent area (rather than stashed away), you’re providing a constant visual reminder of the value of being prepared for school–And, important items are less likely to get lost or forgotten.

6) Be a “Coach”–actively support your child with encouraging words and confidence-building praise.   It isn’t your job to teach your child when you’re helping with homework–teaching is the teacher’s role. Teachers assign homework to give students an opportunity to review what was learned in school and practice skills that were taught and exercise independent responsibility. Kids will be more willing to buckle down with their homework (and actually learn) when they feel positive support from you rather than reacting to nagging, teasing or threats of punishment. Coaches get more “work” out of their team with “you-can-do-it” type statements than they would with “do-it-or-else” threats. So, one more time:  be a “Coach” for your kids to support their school success.