Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they’d probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn’t a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like “I’m still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school.”

Why do they act this way? What’s behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call “individuation.” They are coming into their own true – separate – selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically – and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you’re sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly “perfect,” truly “adored.” When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their “mean” behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that “perfection” is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they’re testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you’ll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts – even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent “safety” in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to “mother” as the “standard to which she aspires and struggles against.” So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents’ feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney

© 2004

One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one that says, “Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict.” You will hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this myth.

The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage “rebellion” is normal;
2. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal it is to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal, teenagers who do not rebel are “not normal,” and will certainly have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must rebel;

The Conclusion to this logic is that “Rebellion today equals healthy living tomorrow.” Therefore, Rebellion is simply an investment in the future!

However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is “common” does not make it “normal.” By “common” we mean a behavior that is observed often; “Normal” means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse “normal” with “common.”

Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against authority, against their parents.

Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager’s attempt to “grow up” and become more “independent.”

Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation’s government.

Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home; the attempt by the teenager to make himself “King” in his own life; the rejection by the teenager of his parent’s values and beliefs.

In every layer of human society God has instituted a system of “government” or a “chain of command structure.” These systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages, families, and the church. Every social organization, or social system, has an organization that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for the enforcement of values among its members, and provides leadership.

The family is important to our society, as it provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with a model of appropriate behavior.

In America, the leading causes of teenage rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture (especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies, and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.

Work with your teen, spend time with your teen, and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and attention invested in his or her life.

As children grow from childhood into adolescence, it’s important for parents to remember what the purpose of parenting and the purpose of adolescence is all about.

The purpose of parenting

Parenting is one of those rare jobs in which one of the primary goals is to work yourself out of a job. One way this is done is by teaching the adolescent how to be more and more in charge of himself.

In no way am I saying that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. As a matter of fact, there are times when teens need more attention and structure than do younger children. There are times when parents tend to over structure the time of children and understructure the time of adolescents.

Controlling vs. managing teens

The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teenager is all in how you approach the situation.

A management approach meets these six key criteria:

1. The parents are clearly in charge.

2. The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more in charge of himself.

3. There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility.

4. The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen.

5. There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that he cannot be in charge of himself.

6. There is a map for how to earn back trust and responsibility when it is lost.