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Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they’d probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn’t a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like “I’m still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school.”

Why do they act this way? What’s behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call “individuation.” They are coming into their own true – separate – selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically – and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you’re sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly “perfect,” truly “adored.” When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their “mean” behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that “perfection” is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they’re testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you’ll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts – even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent “safety” in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to “mother” as the “standard to which she aspires and struggles against.” So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents’ feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney

© 2004

For Students

* The Law of a Good Start: Both parents and students say they get off to a great start and then begin to fall off. It’s human nature. We start to do well and then think we have arrived and can begin to coast. It doesn’t work.

* The Law of Staying Out in Front: Keep doing the things that got you off to a good start, or do them even more. Another way to stay out in front is to take whatever deadlines are given to you and move them up. In this way, you can be done in plenty of time and can relax.

* The Law of Manageable Pieces: Once you hit middle school, you have many classes and all the work that comes with each class. If you look at it as a whole, you will become overwhelmed. Break it down into smaller pieces, one class at a time, one assignment at a time. Do that one assignment well and then move on to the next. Doing small pieces one at a time allows you to accomplish a great deal more than you thought you could.

* The Law of Procrastination: Beware the words “I’ll do it later” because later rarely comes. If you can get a handle on beating procrastination now, you will be way ahead of most folks. The next time you are tempted to procrastinate, put it off. Tell yourself you will procrastinate later and do it now instead.

For Parents

*The Law of Report Cards: Report Cards can show much more than grades. If grades are low in the morning classes and higher in the afternoon, it could be an indication of too little sleep. If the grades are consistently lower after lunch, what might be going on at lunchtime?

It’s also important to remember that grades are merely a measure of aptitude, effort and ability. They are not a measure of your child’s worth.

* The Law of Knowing: Here are three things every parent should take the time to get to know: your child’s teacher; the material your child is being taught; your child’s friends and the parents of those friends.

Go to school. Meet the teachers. Ask questions. If you want to do something radical;, invite your child’s teacher over for dinner. You can get to know better someone who is influencing you child; the teacher can get to know your student’s family; your child gets to see that teachers are regular people.

* The Law of Different Perception: This one is especially important for parents. For the most part, parents and kids have very different perceptions when it comes to school. The parent’s perception is that we work for a living and want to do well at our job. Kids don’t work, so school is their job, and, of course, they should want to do well at it.

Often, however, the perception of kids is that school is their social world, interrupted by six or seven classes a day. These differing perceptions often create a wide gap to bridge.

* The Law of Importance: This is probably the most difficult one to flesh out in the real world. At some point, school needs to become more important to your child than it is to you. Somewhere along the line, she must find something to be excited about that is separate from your desires and expectations.

At some point, students need to be put in charge of school and be responsible for the outcome.

If you are the parent of a disrespectful or violent teen, your life is probably different than most parents. You are probably experiencing high levels of stress and frustration. You may be angry at your inability to resolve the problems with your teen. You may begin to question your parenting skills.

It’s likely that if you are the parent of disrespectful or violent teen that you feel as though you have nowhere to turn and no resources available to help you resolve the problems. When you have a disrespectful or violent teen, everything in your life can be tense. There is no “down time” because you are often running from one fire to another, from school behavior issues to family fights to violence to rule-breaking. It’s enough to make the best of parents want to tear out their hair.

There is hope, though, and it’s important that before you get to the point where you are no longer a healthy, functioning parent, that you reach for that help for your disrespectful or violent teen and for yourself.

One of the best resources parents have for their disrespectful or violent teens is the school. Your school’s counselor can be not only a resource but a source of referral to other resources in your community. When you are concerned about your teen’s out of control behavior, you may want to either deny it or try to hide it, but the best thing you can do is be up front about what is happening. You are not a failure just because you cannot find the right answers for your teen.

If the help you receive from your teen’s school counselor isn’t enough, there are still many other resources. Because it is difficult to tell what is causing your disrespectful or violent teen to behave the way he or she is behaving, it can be helpful to start with your family doctor or pediatrician. Your doctor can eliminate medical causes as well as potential drug and alcohol related behaviors. Your doctor can also refer your teen for additional evaluations with specialists if needed, and help you identify issues. Many times, your family doctor or pediatrician will also have other ideas about where you can go to get help.

Although the stigma is not what it used to be, many people hesitate to seek mental health treatment for their disrespectful or violent teen for fear of being labeled. Mental health services, however, provide you with a vast array of services for your disrespectful or violent teen. Depending on the circumstances of your situation, they can provide outpatient counseling for your teen, you, and your family. If the situation is dangerous or your teen needs more intensive services, they often have inpatient programs as well.

Often, all you need to make it through another day is someone to tell you that you are a good parent, that you are doing everything you can do, and that the stress and anguish you are feeling as a result of your disrespectful or violent teen will not last forever. Don’t give up before you reach out. There is help for you, no matter what your situation.

There have been a lot of kids in and out of the office these last days before they start getting ready to go Back to School. They’re asking questions about how to deal with some of the stresses of going back to school!

Are my friends from last year going to be my friends this year? Is my new math teacher going to like me? Will I make the soccer team or land a role in the school play?

While there’s no way to control the world of back to school, there are some things you can do to make the process a little bit easier. Here are some tips that parents can talk to their children about and for the more mature kids to read independently to help keep you cool, calm and collected in the hectic time of back to school.

5 Keep It Cool Back-to-School Tips

1. Make some time to reconnect with your friends before school starts – you’ll feel a lot more comfortable come September. If you went on vacation or to camp for the summer, you probably have a lot of catching up to do with your friends from school!

2. The end of summer before school starts is the best time to start getting organized! Buy a planner/calendar so you can organize all the things you want to do before the homework starts piling up. You might also want to include a diary in your back to school supplies.

3. Start going to bed and waking up a bit earlier each day so that you’re body is tuned up for the back to school routine. Once school starts you can say goodbye to sleeping late on the weekdays!

4. The new school year is a great opportunity for new friends. Challenge yourself to talk to one new person every day – by the end of the first month you’ll know everyone in your class!

5. Your teachers have already begun setting up their classrooms. If you’re heading to a new school, see if you can get into the building a few days early to look around and find your classroom. This way you won’t get lost on the first day!

Hope this helps you get ready for Back to School! Now, enjoy the rest of the summer.

“We’re like best friends. I tell my mom everything.” This is a parent-teen dynamic sometimes seen in therapy that I refer to as the BFF (Best Friends Forever). Teens are endlessly entertaining–and occasionally it can be fun to “hang out” with your kid and vicariously revel in all her reckless, “Goth-y,” authority-denouncing abandonment, but it should not be a habitual practice. When you treat your child as a peer, the distortion of parental and adolescent roles and boundaries often results in confusion, resentment, and even toxicity in your relationship.

There is a reason that the BFF acronym implies an age imperative commonly associated with the very young. You are not your child’s best friend, and that is why she has a best friend. I laugh when my 8 year-old defiantly states “Oh yeah–well, you’re not my friend then…’” I respond with “You’re darned right I’m not your friend–I’m your Mom!”

Our ultimate job as parents is to set boundaries, lead by example, offer guidance, recognize accomplishments, and provide discipline–which oftentimes consists of less than friendly behavior. Teens are navigating specific developmental tasks such as puberty, sexuality, peer pressure, and social norms, and each requires peer inclusion and feedback as a barometer when testing these treacherous waters. Parental input and support are crucial too, but your time together should not be a substitute for your teen’s involvement with his social group.

Adolescents are still very much concrete thinkers, and are not equipped with the mental and emotional faculties, frame of reference, and judgment to be stand-in adults. While your child may be sensitive, insightful, and mature for his age, it is unfair to burden him with your relationship problems, work-related stress, and economic woes. One possible byproduct of overloading them emotionally is that they may not discuss their problems, and in turn, may repress and/or “act out” some of their unmet needs. A common response I encounter as to why a teen hasn’t talked to mom or dad is “I don’t want to cause any more problems for my parents–they have enough to deal with already.”

Additionally, when a teen is lacking that all-important parental figure, she is left to parent herself. Many young people do not make sound decisions when it comes to rule compliance at home, at school, and in the community. For this reason they should not be entrusted with setting their own schedules, choosing sleep hours, deciding when to do their homework, and maintaining friendships with whomever they want. A pertinent question I ask a parent who defers to her child for decision making is “Based on your child’s current behaviors, do you think she is capable of making a wise decision on this matter?” The answer is usually no. Your teen is counting on you to be a parent now more than ever. It is normal for him to feel out of control internally, and you can help by providing an external safety net where he can express his emotions and fears, and at the same time feel contained by your empathy, guidance, and supervision. Balance can be achieved in your relationship when you communicate openly and authentically, and reinforce consistency and supervision of family rules.

There exists basic ethical guidelines prohibiting surgeons from operating on family members, attorneys from defending their loved ones, and therapists from practicing on their in-laws (!), and the same moral considerations and distinctions should be accorded for the roles of parents and teenagers.