Question – We are having increasing difficulty dealing with curfews in our home. Our teenagers want to stay out later and later and it’s hard for us to trust them. What can we do?

Answer – Isn’t it amazing how kids believe that they can have fun only after a certain time of evening (or early morning)?

Curfew ripe for power struggles

Curfew can be an area ripe for power struggles, conflict and frustration. When the subject of curfew comes up, many parents hear the same old refrains:

“Everyone else’s parents let them stay out as long as they want.” (check it out, it’s probably not accurate)

“When I get to be a parent, I’m going to let my kids stay out as late as they want.” (right)

If not handled properly, curfew can become a battleground with the parents playing warden to the teenage inmates, and kids sneaking out and/ or not coming home in order to “prove” their independence.

Control vs. management

Curfew can also be an area that can illustrate a useful model for managaging the teenage years.

Many times when parents phone me about a teenager, they say something like, “I can’t seem to control my kid.”

The problem here is one of control vs. management. Trying to control a teenager is like trying to make a gorilla wear pants:

It’s only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla angry.

Is the after-school, after-work routine creating a crazy, chaotic home life for your family? Will all the end-of-the-day pressures that descend on the typical family these days, it’s no wonder parents feel frazzled and out-of-control.

I’ve been parenting for over 2 decades and have 4 busy children. Here are my top 3 parenting tips for putting the calm back into your family’s evening routine.

1. Plan it out.

Sometimes chaos comes from everyone needing to unwind at once. Of course, your kids have very little maturity to deal with the fatigue and over-stimulation that comes with a typical day. As the parent, you have to be willing to delay your own need for calm and get the rest of the troops in line first. When your family has a sense of order and control, you’ll feel much calmer, too.

Start with planning out what needs to happen in your evening. Baths, homework, dinner, sports activities all need to be written down. If you attempt to do laundry or cleaning in the evening, write that down, too.

Next write down the amount of time each of those items takes to do (be honest and reasonable). Now add up the times and compare the total to what time you actually have between the hours of after-work and bedtime.

If you’re like many families, something’s gotta give! This simple exercise will help you see why you are frustrated day in and day out. This is where the rubber meets the road; to have a calmer household you’ll need to make the activities you desire fit into your schedule. This often means cutting something out!

Trust me, you’ll never miss whatever you let go of. Take back the time to actually hug and communicate with your children by giving up the activities that don’t directly contribute to family growth. For example, a lot of great conversations can be had between parents and children while cleaning a bathroom. And let’s face it, cleaning bathrooms has to happen!

But usually very little communication can happen between you and your child while they’re on the sports field. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done plenty of sports over the years and know how great they can be for teaching all types of values. But if your family is reeling in chaos each evening, you’re looking for soothing parenting tips, not high-achievement ideas.

2. Streamline and get organized.

Everyday activities like meal-planning can either produce joy or chaos in a family’s day. Do you have to spend time each evening deciding what’s for dinner, scrounging for ingredients and feeling resentful you have to give up so much time to something you don’t want to do?

Or do you just give in most evenings and either eat out or use take-out food? This is fine if it’s in your budget, but if it’s not, you are simply increasing your stress load which will inevitably spill over into your family time.

There are many effective menu-planning tools available today that can cut your time in the kitchen. Honestly, a smart parenting tip is to help you see that involving your kids in the evening meal routine is one of the easiest ways to add calm to a family.

Depending upon their ages, children can help

– plan the meals.

– shop for the meals, understanding both budgetary and nutritional concerns.

– set the table and help with the clean-up.

– cook the meals with supervision.

The same goes for laundry and cleaning duties, too. If one evening is laundry and cleaning night, then everyone pitches in and that’s the night for pizza. You’ll feel less scattered when the whole family is pulling together.

Of course, these tasks will all go much faster once everyone is trained, practiced and comes to expect that family involvement is a part of the evening agenda.

3. Establish routines.

I’m sure you’ve heard parenting tips like this one before and for good reason. Unfinished homework, lost supplies, missing articles of clothing, and forgotten lunches just add to the chaos level in any home. So abolish them! Establish a place for each family member’s daily stuff (just a basket or bin will do nicely) and remind daily to use them until habits are established.

Hey, you’re going to have to be serious about this one, Mom or Dad. My kids know I would even call them home from their friends’ houses simply to have them pick something up they neglected to put away in the right place before they went off to have fun.

Over the top? Not when you remember your job as a parent is to teach the types of habits that will produce appropriate adult behavior someday. Trust me, you’ll only have to do these kinds of ‘reminders’ a handful of times. Your kids are very bright. They’ll get the message extremely quickly.

Make a game with your kids about developing routines.

– Who can figure out the smartest way to put together a lunch box station in the kitchen?

– Who sets down to do their homework first, with no complaining?

– Set a timer and see who can get their stuff ready for the next day the fastest.

– Give little prizes for shaving off time in doing everyday duties.

Set the rule that everyone in the household does work before play. You’ll be amazed at the change in your home’s stress levels. One step at a time.

Parenting tips come and go, but the basics in what a family needs don’t change. If you’re looking to calm down the evenings in your home, take a few minutes to plan out what’s important to you, streamline your processes, and establish routines that save time and sanity.

And your reward? How about a quiet time before bed?

Research suggests that parental involvement is a key ingredient to support success in school.   But lots of parents don’t feel qualified to tackle the responsibility of teaching and wonder what they can do to help.  Following are some things you can do and talk about to help your kids succeed–and feel good about it.

1) Make learning relevant–Make sure your child sees what he’s learning reflected in the “real” world. Ask questions. Find out what interested him/her during school lessons…then find examples related to those topics of interest and expand your conversation. Look for real world stories on the internet, at the library or in the newspaper or magazines. By supplementing their at-school learning experience at home, you’re expanding their vision and promoting the idea that more info can be fun–and that what they learn is relevant.

2) Be cautious about how you talk about “learning” and “education” with your kids and around them. Kids inherit your attitudes and ideas about everything–they listen, they watch and they accept your beliefs as truth. It is important to avoid negative statements (i.e. how you had “difficulty in school” and that “teachers are unfair”). Instead, share your positive experiences in learning (i.e. how something you learned was useful or remembering your favorite teacher or an inspiring experience in school).

3) Model goal-setting behaviors. Kids are usually pretty “immediate”. They live in the moment and can’t always see the value of long-term goals–and sometimes they lose patience.   When you talk about your own goals and how long-term planning helped you achieve your goals (and how much better off you are as a result), you’re demonstrating a pattern of behavior and thinking. If you talk without lecturing, kids will hear your stories and (without effort) assume your attitude as “the way we do things in our family”.

4) Demonstrate your commitment to your child’s success. Be sure you’ve supplied the “tools” for success: purchase a calendar or to-do list notebook to help him/her keep on schedule; dedicate a quiet, comfortable and well-lit space for home-work;  maintain (and re-supply as necessary) a handy assortment of school/study supplies (paper, pencils, etc).

5) Organize your living space to reserve a special area for your child’s school papers. Dedicate a shelf or table top for books, backpack, school communications, lunch money, etc. When school materials are blatantly kept in a prominent area (rather than stashed away), you’re providing a constant visual reminder of the value of being prepared for school–And, important items are less likely to get lost or forgotten.

6) Be a “Coach”–actively support your child with encouraging words and confidence-building praise.   It isn’t your job to teach your child when you’re helping with homework–teaching is the teacher’s role. Teachers assign homework to give students an opportunity to review what was learned in school and practice skills that were taught and exercise independent responsibility. Kids will be more willing to buckle down with their homework (and actually learn) when they feel positive support from you rather than reacting to nagging, teasing or threats of punishment. Coaches get more “work” out of their team with “you-can-do-it” type statements than they would with “do-it-or-else” threats. So, one more time:  be a “Coach” for your kids to support their school success.