In some respects, you do not know what parenting is until your children hit their teens. It’s a whole new ball game. All of a sudden you realize that there is this huge gap between you and your kid and the more you try to fix it, the more it seems to broaden. Communication between you and your child seems to be dead. These are probably the toughest years!!

So what do you do to make it better?

Here are a few tips:

• Try and get into their heads. Do not assume that because you do not like something, your teen does not like it too.

• Remember to always be truthful to your teen. No matter how old your child grows, he/she looks at you as an example. If you want your teen to be truthful, you need to first be truthful. Honesty is the best policy you can instil in to them

• Do not jump into advising; first listen to what your teen has to say. Be empathetic.

• Your job during their teens is to spur and encourage them. If you are one who keeps criticizing, they are never going to want to communicate with you.

• You need to be available for them whenever they need you. They may want to talk in the middle of the night, it is important that you talk to them when they are willing to talk.

• If you are wrong, apologize. It takes a big person to apologize. Your teen will respect you much more for it.

• Don’t wait for your teen to ask you for help, sense it and then do your best to help them

• Respect your teen. Treat him/her like an adult. Give then their space.

• Remember to use words like “please”, “thank you” and “I love you” frequently with your teens.

As I mention in many of my articles, being the parent of a teenager can be like walking a fine line at all times. It is a constant balancing act between wanting to protect your teen from bad decisions and harm and wanting them to make their own decisions and live with the consequences of these decisions. Obviously when your children are younger you can control much more of what goes on in their lives. You can better control their environment and they are very open to your making a lot of their decisions for them. This is clearly not the case with teenagers.

In this article, I will review four parenting styles described in the book Love and Logic. The first three are often used by parents of teenagers but are not considered to be the most effective. The last style is considered by many to be the most effective parenting style for parents of teens.

1. Helicopter Parents
If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise. Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children.

These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents. The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

2. Drill Sergeant Parents
If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

3. The Laissez-Faire Parent
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

4. The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before. Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

Which type of parent do you think you are and could you create more situations where you behave in the role of a consultant?

Much of the information for this article was taken from Parenting Teens With Love & Logic (2006) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

The human being inherits a wild and primitive conscience in his psyche that is constantly trying to destroy the human side of the conscience through craziness. This fact means that everyone needs craziness prevention, which can be obtained through dream interpretation, according to my adaptation of the scientific method discovered by Carl Jung at the beginning of the last century.

Thanks to the discovery of the existence of the anti-conscience (our primitive conscience that works against our human side) and to the confirmation of the wisdom and perfection of the unconscious mind that produces our dreams, today everyone can easily learn how to translate dream messages. They can understand the directions, advice and warnings of the unconscious mind, that are given to us in a symbolic form so that the anti-conscience won’t understand them; it would otherwise distort their meaning and we would not have the unconscious’ support.

Even if you don’t want to care about your dreams everyday, you must have the basic knowledge about how to fight off craziness, since it is a danger that is constantly threatening you and everyone else.

You have to be a balanced parent, so that you can give a balanced education to your kids.

Your kids need dream interpretation as soon as possible too, because they have to solve many problems that were caused by previous generations, not to mention saving our polluted planet. They have to be strong in order to face so much and yet, find their happiness.

Depression can easily become a neurosis and things can suddenly be out of control when you try to understand what is happening to you, your life, your kids and their lives.

This is why your care for craziness prevention now is the wisest decision you could make, feeling grateful because you have this possibility, which our ancestors didn’t have.

This is why human history is characterized by terror, violence, immorality, misery and despair.

We have to put an end to the human drama and help our teens build a new world where everyone will live happily and everyone will be calm, sensitive, sensible and wise.

Why is it important to raise fearless children? Simply put; fears paralyze, crush self esteem and destroy dreams.

I’ve worked with hundreds of parents over the past few years that have trouble helping their children overcome fear. The reason? They themselves can’t break through the barrier of fear and it’s then passed down from generation to generation.

I’d like to offer hope first, then a challenge.

It is possible to live free from fearful anxiety attacks, constant worry, over exaggerating stories that perpetuate the fearful attacks going off in your mind. People achieve freedom from fear on a daily basis but it takes diligent practice and guided instruction.  You can handle it, but you must tell yourself you can and believe it.  I didn’t say it would be easy, just that it is possible.

Here are a few tips you can use to challenge yourself while encouraging your teenager.

1. Ask how your teenager perceives themselves – Does your teenager feel ugly? Unlovable? Like they don’t measure up? Be transparent with them if that is how you also feel, but understand it is a belief that can be dramatically altered by learning a few powerful concepts and techniques.

2. When the time ‘feels right’, let them know you’d like to help them move away from their pain, not towards it. – Say this in a gentle way. You are not the enemy but when a child feels hurt, they often forget that so the timing and delivery of your message is very important.

3. Ask what you can do to help them when they feel frightened. – No matter who we are, being frightened is something that can happen to the best of us. Let them know you want to help through their feelings of fear but they must get beyond it.  You may need assistance in this yourself so make a commitment to work through it together.  Often your teen will appreciate working toward the same goal, which can often bridge a very wide gap.

4. Hold them – That’s right, give them a hug or put your arm around their shoulder.  Remember that they sometimes want to be held to, no matter how big, how old, how macho, how silly or how angry they might be on the outside. They are still young on the inside just like you are.

5. Ask what they think some of their trigger points are that remind them of the original hurt. – If the pain is not resolved, released or forgiven, the pain is buried and brought up again with a trigger of something said or done. Forgiveness is the only way past this problem.

6. Spend a few minutes of each day just the two of you. – You don’t have to say one word, just be in the same room with them a few minutes of each day. You will be amazed at what they begin to share with you on their own after a few days or weeks of doing this simple thing.

7. Remind them, and yourself, to be patient. – It will take time to bring about the changes you both want to see in your relationship.

It’s about being there, being present, and connecting to the best relationship you could possibly have with your teen.