“We’re like best friends. I tell my mom everything.” This is a parent-teen dynamic sometimes seen in therapy that I refer to as the BFF (Best Friends Forever). Teens are endlessly entertaining–and occasionally it can be fun to “hang out” with your kid and vicariously revel in all her reckless, “Goth-y,” authority-denouncing abandonment, but it should not be a habitual practice. When you treat your child as a peer, the distortion of parental and adolescent roles and boundaries often results in confusion, resentment, and even toxicity in your relationship.

There is a reason that the BFF acronym implies an age imperative commonly associated with the very young. You are not your child’s best friend, and that is why she has a best friend. I laugh when my 8 year-old defiantly states “Oh yeah–well, you’re not my friend then…’” I respond with “You’re darned right I’m not your friend–I’m your Mom!”

Our ultimate job as parents is to set boundaries, lead by example, offer guidance, recognize accomplishments, and provide discipline–which oftentimes consists of less than friendly behavior. Teens are navigating specific developmental tasks such as puberty, sexuality, peer pressure, and social norms, and each requires peer inclusion and feedback as a barometer when testing these treacherous waters. Parental input and support are crucial too, but your time together should not be a substitute for your teen’s involvement with his social group.

Adolescents are still very much concrete thinkers, and are not equipped with the mental and emotional faculties, frame of reference, and judgment to be stand-in adults. While your child may be sensitive, insightful, and mature for his age, it is unfair to burden him with your relationship problems, work-related stress, and economic woes. One possible byproduct of overloading them emotionally is that they may not discuss their problems, and in turn, may repress and/or “act out” some of their unmet needs. A common response I encounter as to why a teen hasn’t talked to mom or dad is “I don’t want to cause any more problems for my parents–they have enough to deal with already.”

Additionally, when a teen is lacking that all-important parental figure, she is left to parent herself. Many young people do not make sound decisions when it comes to rule compliance at home, at school, and in the community. For this reason they should not be entrusted with setting their own schedules, choosing sleep hours, deciding when to do their homework, and maintaining friendships with whomever they want. A pertinent question I ask a parent who defers to her child for decision making is “Based on your child’s current behaviors, do you think she is capable of making a wise decision on this matter?” The answer is usually no. Your teen is counting on you to be a parent now more than ever. It is normal for him to feel out of control internally, and you can help by providing an external safety net where he can express his emotions and fears, and at the same time feel contained by your empathy, guidance, and supervision. Balance can be achieved in your relationship when you communicate openly and authentically, and reinforce consistency and supervision of family rules.

There exists basic ethical guidelines prohibiting surgeons from operating on family members, attorneys from defending their loved ones, and therapists from practicing on their in-laws (!), and the same moral considerations and distinctions should be accorded for the roles of parents and teenagers.

One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one that says, “Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict.” You will hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this myth.

The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage “rebellion” is normal;
2. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal it is to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage “rebellion” is normal, teenagers who do not rebel are “not normal,” and will certainly have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must rebel;

The Conclusion to this logic is that “Rebellion today equals healthy living tomorrow.” Therefore, Rebellion is simply an investment in the future!

However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is “common” does not make it “normal.” By “common” we mean a behavior that is observed often; “Normal” means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse “normal” with “common.”

Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against authority, against their parents.

Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager’s attempt to “grow up” and become more “independent.”

Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation’s government.

Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home; the attempt by the teenager to make himself “King” in his own life; the rejection by the teenager of his parent’s values and beliefs.

In every layer of human society God has instituted a system of “government” or a “chain of command structure.” These systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages, families, and the church. Every social organization, or social system, has an organization that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for the enforcement of values among its members, and provides leadership.

The family is important to our society, as it provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with a model of appropriate behavior.

In America, the leading causes of teenage rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture (especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies, and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.

Work with your teen, spend time with your teen, and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and attention invested in his or her life.

When your children are little, you purchase things for them that they may need or want. Once they hit the teenage years, that’s a different story. As the parent of a teenager, you need to have a plan for teaching teens to save money. When you child hits the teenage years the things they want seem to increase and so does the price. They still seem to think you have all the money in the world and you can and should buy them whatever they want.

Once they hit 16, they should get a job. But it can start earlier than that if you want it to. They can mow lawns, shovel sidewalks, or babysit. Working hard and making money will teach them the value of a dollar. Once they start making money they will probably want to spend quickly too. Teaching teens to save money may be difficult at first, but you need to do it.

Teaching teens to save money is important for their future. They need to know why they should save and how to do it. You may need to learn yourself so you can teach your teens to save money, but it will be a valuable lesson for you as well. The first thing you need to do is take them to the bank and set up a savings account for them.

Once you do this you need to set them up on a budget. Teaching teens to save money through a budget is one way to make this happen. You need to gather all their bills and their pay checks. Their checks will be different since they are probably not guaranteed the same number of hours each week.

You need to teach your teens the reasons why they need to save money. These reasons can include saving for a car, a special date, new clothes, or college. Teens want expensive things and when it gets to a point where they have their own money, you should consider making them pay for most of those things.

Teaching teens to save money can be a very difficult thing to do. You need to stand your ground when they try to tell you they have no need to save money. It may be hard for you, but you can do it and you will thank yourself for it in the future.

Your teen will thank you when they have a major repair that is needed on their car, or if they have to buy tires for it, or they find a new pair of shoes they “must” have. They will also be thankful when they are grown, married, and have their own kids and need money to buy their first house.

There are many reasons why teaching teens to save money is so important. Showing them how to save money will not only help them now, but in the future as well. They will be so happy you taught them these things later in life when they have a family and retirement to think about.

Law of Belonging – One of the greatest needs of teenagers (after music, screen time and the phone) is a strong sense of belonging. They need to feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. And guess what? If they do not get this need met in a healthy place, they will begin to look for ways to get this need met anywhere else they can find it.

Law of Power – Once you’ve entered into a power struggle with a teenager, you’ve already lost. It’s like the closing line “War Games”, “Interesting game, the only winning move is not to play”.

Law of Control – Trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It’s just going to frustrate you and really irritate the gorilla. Not a great way to live day to day.

Law of Management – A management approach puts the parents clearly in charge. The goal is to eventually manage them out of your lives, and into their own.

Law of Voice – In a well functioning family, the teens almost always get a voice. They just don’t always get a vote. Consistently violate either side of this equation and you’ve got trouble.

Punishment is often done out of anger and is usually for the parent.

Punishment breeds resentment and a desire for revenge.

Teens have many creative ways to get you back.

Law of Consequences – Consequences teach teens about the real world. In general they need to be related, reasonable, respectful, swift, strong and short-term.

Law of Structure – Parents need to set boundaries & structure from day one. If you don’t do it while they are young, what makes you think they will obey curfew when they have a car?

Law of W’s – When teens are gone from home, parents need to know who they are with, where they are going, what they will be doing and what time they will be back.

Law of 20 Feet – The law of 20 feet states that at a certain age, you must walk at least 20 feet away from your teen if you are in a public place. Thirty feet if you’re in the mall.

In today’s society your appearance matters, and increasing numbers of people are striving to improve their look, sometimes at any cost. They are becoming obsessed with acquiring the myriad of products which claim they can help them improve their physical appearance.

If you are a parent and you have an overweight teenager, then you surely would want to help them lose weight safely and successfully, and without resorting to the quick fix methods which some so-called experts promote.

Here are 5 things you can do:

1. Your teen needs help to make their decision to lose weight. The first thing you should do is to talk to your teen. Ask them what they think about themselves and how they feel about their appearance. If the answer comes back in the negative then its time to ask your teen what they want to do about it.

You can nudge the process along by giving your teen some ideas on how they can progress. Ask them if they are keen to lose weight. Once you have both come to a decision, start planning how your teen is going to lose weight safely and healthily but ultimately, successfully and what your role will be. Your child has just made a major decision in their life and it is absolutely essential that you, the parent/guide/role model follow up the original impetus with your unconditional support.

2. With the above in mind, it is best to alter your eating and exercising patterns together. If you really want to help your child to lose weight, you should try devising a plan of attack to help them lose weight effectively. An example would be a diet which includes those foods low in fat and sugar content as well as plenty of regular exercise.

3. Search out some cheap weight loss programs which suit you both and try them out for size. Statistics say that most people who enroll in these types of program quit long before the program ends, so it is vital that parents encourage and support their teens so they don’t become another line on a failure report.

4. Seek advice from health professionals or others who have the necessary expertise in cognitive-behaviour therapy and weight loss programs. Now that obesity has become one of the major problems of todays teens, authorities are turning to psychotherapists for help in identifying and alleviating the causes and assisting in the weight loss struggle.

5. Ask your teen how they would feel about attending a weight loss camp or similar residential weight loss programs. The battle to lose weight can be a distressing experience for them and giving them an exciting new environment to experiment with can greatly help them to carry on with their fight.

Your teens’ success in losing weight starts with you. Help them as much as you possibly can by sharing the same experiences they have along the way. This will not only help them reach their goals but will strengthen the bond between you.