One of the basic issues we need to understand is that parents and teens view school very differently. This is important because often we believe that our kids look at school the same way we do.

In many cases, nothing could be further from the truth.

For parents, we work and want to do well in our jobs. So we think because our kids don’t work full time or at all, then school is their full-time job, and they should want to excel.

For teens, as well as many younger kids, school is their social world interrupted by six to seven classes a day.

This different view is the cause for many dinner-table squabbles.

Every now and then, as parents describe the problems with grades, they will say, “We got a D in that class.”

I’ve thought of many responses to that statement, most of which I don’t share. What I do say is, “Excuse me, who is this we? Do you go to class or does your child?”

The point is that at some time – the earlier the better – school must become more important to your child than it is to you.

Having laid out these two basic principles, let’s look at some solutions for handling a less than exciting report card.

1) You’ll want to meet with the teacher of a class in which your child has done poorly. You should ask the teacher: What he thinks might be in the way of your child doing well in this subject; does she think your child has the tools to do well in this class; how are other kids of equal ability doing in this class; what does he recommend your child (notice, not we) do to improve in this class?

2) Learn how to read a report card. There is much more information there than just grades. There’s also conduct and attendance to check out. Look for patterns. If your kid got a good grade and great conduct in one class and poor grades and bad conduct in another, take a look at what the differences are between those two classes. Obviously, the child has the ability in one class. What’s in the way in the other?

3) Often kids will blame the teacher. “She doesn’t like me!” This is an opportunity to teach real-world living in which not all people, bosses included, are going to like you. At the same time, you still need to know how to do well in a situation, even when there are people who don’t like you.

4) Here’s a little trick of the trade: Determine which class comes right before your child’s lunch period. If grades, attendance and conduct are significantly different after lunch than before, the next question is what’s happening at lunch that is getting in the way?

5) Make two copies of your child’s report card _ one for you and one for your child. Draw a horizontal line to the right of each letter grade. Next to the end of that line, write the next letter grade up. For example, if the grade is an F, write a D. If it’s a D, write a C, and so on. These one-step-up grades are the goals for the next grading period.

This may sound like settling for less, but it really is not. It gives your child a manageable goal to reach. Over a couple of grading periods, this strategy can move low grades to high grades. If they go higher than the goal, then that’s a good thing. If they go lower than the goal, it’s time for some consequences.

6) It’s been my experience that grounding a kid for the entire grading period is in most cases counterproductive. For adults, nine weeks is not that long. For kids, however, it’s forever, and you get rapidly diminishing returns.

Instead, start with strong consequences, and then as effort, behavior and grades improve, let the rope out a little at a time, just enough for them to grow themselves.

It’s also useful to link grades to something that is important to them. As one father said to me last year, “In our family, Ds don’t drive.”

What’s hard for teenagers

Having people who don’t understand you trying to control you.

Parents not understanding the things you have to deal with.

Having to deal with school.

Being accepted by friends.

Having someone really close to you leave you.

Being blamed for almost everything because we are teen-agers.

Living with divorced parents and having no say in where you go.

Dealing with boy/girl friends.

Trying to deal with a parent who doesn’t want to understand and take time to listen to your comments.

Not being financially independent.

Meeting parents’ expectations and never being good enough.

Knowing your parents are right.

What’s best about being a teen

Getting away with immature behavior.

The chance to try new things.

Having your whole life ahead of you.

Youth, energy and time.

Lots to look forward to.

Getting a driver’s license

Almost being done with school.

Friends and relationships.

Not having to work.

Summer vacation.

What parent’s don’t understand

Our schedules and our social lives.

That restrictions don’t work and talking does.

We’re old enough to make our own choices.

We need to have our freedom every once in a while.

That we make mistakes just like they did.

Grades aren’t the only thing I’m good for; I can make you proud by just being me!!

We love you even if you aren’t around.

Threats make me fear you, not respect you.

What the world is like now, not what it was like when they were kids.

We have feelings, too.

Their words can hurt really badly.

It really is hard to live in a family where your opinion doesn’t count.

We understand trust isn’t cheap but we have to learn some things for ourselves.

Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they’d probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn’t a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like “I’m still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school.”

Why do they act this way? What’s behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call “individuation.” They are coming into their own true – separate – selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically – and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you’re sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly “perfect,” truly “adored.” When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their “mean” behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that “perfection” is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they’re testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you’ll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts – even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent “safety” in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to “mother” as the “standard to which she aspires and struggles against.” So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents’ feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney

© 2004

For Students

* The Law of a Good Start: Both parents and students say they get off to a great start and then begin to fall off. It’s human nature. We start to do well and then think we have arrived and can begin to coast. It doesn’t work.

* The Law of Staying Out in Front: Keep doing the things that got you off to a good start, or do them even more. Another way to stay out in front is to take whatever deadlines are given to you and move them up. In this way, you can be done in plenty of time and can relax.

* The Law of Manageable Pieces: Once you hit middle school, you have many classes and all the work that comes with each class. If you look at it as a whole, you will become overwhelmed. Break it down into smaller pieces, one class at a time, one assignment at a time. Do that one assignment well and then move on to the next. Doing small pieces one at a time allows you to accomplish a great deal more than you thought you could.

* The Law of Procrastination: Beware the words “I’ll do it later” because later rarely comes. If you can get a handle on beating procrastination now, you will be way ahead of most folks. The next time you are tempted to procrastinate, put it off. Tell yourself you will procrastinate later and do it now instead.

For Parents

*The Law of Report Cards: Report Cards can show much more than grades. If grades are low in the morning classes and higher in the afternoon, it could be an indication of too little sleep. If the grades are consistently lower after lunch, what might be going on at lunchtime?

It’s also important to remember that grades are merely a measure of aptitude, effort and ability. They are not a measure of your child’s worth.

* The Law of Knowing: Here are three things every parent should take the time to get to know: your child’s teacher; the material your child is being taught; your child’s friends and the parents of those friends.

Go to school. Meet the teachers. Ask questions. If you want to do something radical;, invite your child’s teacher over for dinner. You can get to know better someone who is influencing you child; the teacher can get to know your student’s family; your child gets to see that teachers are regular people.

* The Law of Different Perception: This one is especially important for parents. For the most part, parents and kids have very different perceptions when it comes to school. The parent’s perception is that we work for a living and want to do well at our job. Kids don’t work, so school is their job, and, of course, they should want to do well at it.

Often, however, the perception of kids is that school is their social world, interrupted by six or seven classes a day. These differing perceptions often create a wide gap to bridge.

* The Law of Importance: This is probably the most difficult one to flesh out in the real world. At some point, school needs to become more important to your child than it is to you. Somewhere along the line, she must find something to be excited about that is separate from your desires and expectations.

At some point, students need to be put in charge of school and be responsible for the outcome.

If you are the parent of a disrespectful or violent teen, your life is probably different than most parents. You are probably experiencing high levels of stress and frustration. You may be angry at your inability to resolve the problems with your teen. You may begin to question your parenting skills.

It’s likely that if you are the parent of disrespectful or violent teen that you feel as though you have nowhere to turn and no resources available to help you resolve the problems. When you have a disrespectful or violent teen, everything in your life can be tense. There is no “down time” because you are often running from one fire to another, from school behavior issues to family fights to violence to rule-breaking. It’s enough to make the best of parents want to tear out their hair.

There is hope, though, and it’s important that before you get to the point where you are no longer a healthy, functioning parent, that you reach for that help for your disrespectful or violent teen and for yourself.

One of the best resources parents have for their disrespectful or violent teens is the school. Your school’s counselor can be not only a resource but a source of referral to other resources in your community. When you are concerned about your teen’s out of control behavior, you may want to either deny it or try to hide it, but the best thing you can do is be up front about what is happening. You are not a failure just because you cannot find the right answers for your teen.

If the help you receive from your teen’s school counselor isn’t enough, there are still many other resources. Because it is difficult to tell what is causing your disrespectful or violent teen to behave the way he or she is behaving, it can be helpful to start with your family doctor or pediatrician. Your doctor can eliminate medical causes as well as potential drug and alcohol related behaviors. Your doctor can also refer your teen for additional evaluations with specialists if needed, and help you identify issues. Many times, your family doctor or pediatrician will also have other ideas about where you can go to get help.

Although the stigma is not what it used to be, many people hesitate to seek mental health treatment for their disrespectful or violent teen for fear of being labeled. Mental health services, however, provide you with a vast array of services for your disrespectful or violent teen. Depending on the circumstances of your situation, they can provide outpatient counseling for your teen, you, and your family. If the situation is dangerous or your teen needs more intensive services, they often have inpatient programs as well.

Often, all you need to make it through another day is someone to tell you that you are a good parent, that you are doing everything you can do, and that the stress and anguish you are feeling as a result of your disrespectful or violent teen will not last forever. Don’t give up before you reach out. There is help for you, no matter what your situation.